Ole Lake

Ole Lake. This is the name of the man who molested me when I was 10 years old. I still believed that uncle’s were here to protect me from harm. To keep me safe from people like him. I had no idea that there were people that would take advantage of a little girl the way you did to me 27 years ago. 

My life has been hell for the past 27 years. That is more than half my lifetime. Up until recently, I was truly terrified of you. I was still thinking with my 10 year old brain and reliving those hours you tore my spirit apart. Up until recently, I thought I would be afraid of you until you died. But that is not the case anymore. I am not afraid of you. You will not hurt me now, I will not allow it.

I don’t know why you chose to hurt me the way you did all those years ago, I don’t need to know why. All I need to know is that you do not have control of me anymore. I am not afraid of you and the next time I see you, i will not cower. 

Plexus and my sobriety

A lot of you know I am an addict in recovery. A lot of you know I have started Plexus not too long ago. What a lot of you don't know, is that Plexus has played an intricate roll, not only in my health, well being, but in my sobriety as well. I've been able to participate in team calls each week since I've started Plexus, and each call has had an element corresponding along my sobriety.

My sobriety is a huge part of my life, and have not had an urge, or craving, to use in a long time. Yesterday was a day that I just wanted to take a pill, and just not feel. Each August, I miss my sister and her kids so much, I end up crying. I feel so strong in my sobriety that I knew there was no way I was going to act on my wants. I also know that the oportunity to use is just around the corner. I have come so far, in such a short time, that I am not willing to just throw all my hard work away on a want.

How I view plexus, and all the amazing benefits it has to offer, is much like how I view holding on to my sobriety. It took me a while to finally ask my friend what Plexus has to offer, then a bit longer to actually want to try it out. Once I knew I wanted to give Plexus a try, I wanted the products to be at my door, yesterday. I wanted to feel the effects of it this morning. But like sobriety, I had to wait. Then wait a bit more. But since I have been taking pretty good care of myself since the beginning of the year, I've been able to notice a difference now. Just four little weeks in, and my body is just changing. And I am in love with myself. I feel so good about doing fucking yoga. Getting on that fucking treadmill and just walking and going and going and going just a bit longer.

My personal belief is everyone needs to be single, be medicated, and drink a lot more water. I'm going to amend my belief, and add that everyone should be on Plexus along with all that I just said. That is what I believe would make the world a better place.

Thank you for all the support you have given me, I love you, and if you want a bit of what I have, let me know and I can show you the way!

Rantings of a bruised mind

Last night was a test in my faith. The faith that I have in myself to keep sober, and not give into the frustration I have not felt in a long time. In the back of my mind, I knew I would not falter in my sobriety. But I have lost a huge chunk of respect towards my faith in humanity. Not only humanity though, faith in my family that they respect my choice to stay sober in this fucked up world we live in.

It was my naive assumption that they would not ask of me to do what I won't even do for myself. I thought that because they knew I was sober, that there was no way in hell that I would pick something up for them, because it was convenient for them. They had no care in the world that stepping into a store, would be a trigger for me. I want to know where they got the idea that I would do for them, what I won't even do for myself. Was it because I'm used to their ways? Was it because I don't mind them drinking in front of me? Was it because they see me as a fucking doormat?

I guess I haven't learned how to protect myself from others using me as a doormat. My next step in life is to learn how to do that. So if it seems like I've changed to you, I am. 

No one

A lot of people come to me with their problems. A lot of people get advice from me by the time we are done talking. A lot of people feel better after talking to me about what is going on with them and their lives. What a lot of people don't know is that I don't tell them my problems. Especially when they are telling me theirs. I think it is rude to interject my problems onto them when they are telling me their woes. 

I have been especially emotional these past few months. It was one thing after another after another. And when I would talk to someone, they would feel the need to tell me what is going on with them. Shutting me out, leaving me feeling like my woes are not significant enough for them to listen to. I have a tendency to feel what the other person is going through when they talk to me. I don't remember how long I've been like this, but it makes me feel like my problems don't mean as much to the person I am talking to. 

This past month, I haven't been able to talk to my friends or family about what I am going through and why I feel like I am in this deep, deep hole, and I can't get a grip to get out yet. I know I will. I always do. I know the only time I won't be able to get myself out is when I am no longer here. I try so hard to be the best I can be with what I can provide for myself. But with the emergency surgery and all the illness that has come with it, I am struggling to provide even the basic necessities for myself. Let alone for others.

Just once I would love for someone to give to me, what I have given to them, someone to just listen, and if they can offer any advice without interjecting their own problems, that would be the icing on the cake for me. But if all you can do is listen, then please. Just listen. Let me know that I have someone to turn to without having to turn off my feelings to help you. I just can't do it anymore. 

On all the time

Have you ever felt like you had to be on all the time? Like no matter what is going on in life, you had to appear like everything in your mind is in order? Like nothing outside of yourself is bothering you, because you are the one everyone goes to? The one everyone tells their inner most secrets to?

I've felt that way. I feel that way almost every day of my waking life. I don't know when it happened. I don't know why it happened. But it did. And once people started to realize how beneficial I was to them, I became their sounding broad. I became their confidant that they can tell anything to. And not worry about me telling anyone else, because I don't like others spreading what I told them in confidence, to another person. So I keep my mouth shut.

I've kept my mouth shut for so long, and for so many other people, that they do not ask me what is really going on. They do not wait for me to tell my side of the story. And when I do actually get to say something, it goes unnoticed or ignored by the one person that feels they can unload their life on me. 

When do I get a chance to tell you what is going on in my world? When do I get the chance to say, I am hurting so much inside, that it's overflowing into your world, but you're so consumed by your mess, that you don't see mine? Did you forget that I am only a human being, with only so much I can take, before I explode? Why don't you see that I am hurting inside? Why don't you feel my energy not being positive? I don't have the energy to be your overflow of your emotions. Most of the time I do, but now? Right now, I don't have it.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't be everyone's go to all the time. You have other people in your life that you can talk to. You tell me about them all the time. But when I finally get to say what needs to be said, you don't have time for that. You got what you needed off your chest. You get to feel better about your life. Have YOU ever stopped to think, what about Lorna? How is she really managing to hold it all together? Does my happiness mean as much to you, as yours means to me? If you don't know how to answer that, then maybe we need to talk about our friendship, and see if it really is a friendship, or just someone using someone else?

Livin' my life in a slow hell...

I was asked recently how I was able to live my life knowing I was molested as a young girl. Being treated differently by my mom compared to my sister. Knowing that I lived with the pain I endured as a child, alone. No one knew what I had gone through. No one knew I had been molested by family. No one. Not even my sister, who knows everything about me, knew. I kept my mouth shut and my head down.

I honestly thought everything that had happened to me was my fault. My fault for not saying no. My fault for allowing a trusted adult to hurt me, like I've never been hurt before. I thought, since it was done to me, it was done to everyone. No one spoke of any wrong doing to others in my family. Not until I was much older, and deeper in my pain, was it acknowledged, by anyone other than myself, that our family wasn't as "good" as we thought. 

I learned how to "act" around my mom. Everything I did though, was in vain. The hurtful words were said. The discipline was enforced. My sister don't know how deeply I was hurt until much, much later. But she knew I needed taken care of the only way a sister knows how. She became, not only my "mom", but a "mom" to many other kids. 

I don't know how to explain how I lived after I was molested, and hurt, but I did. And survived. Having a shitty life thrust upon you is hard to deal with. But nothing is impossible or unmanageable. You just learn to listen to your surroundings, watch and see everyone that crosses your path. It's hell on the mind, being so observant, but it's amazing what your brain can handle. 

Livin life on my terms. Not life's

So. I had a question asked of me last week that got me thinkin'. Can I live life on life's terms without medication. No I can't live life without meds. I know what I'm like without meds. And it's scary deadly. 

Initially I got on anti-depressants to ease pms symptoms. Then it helped with the depression that I was trying to hide with booze. But I didn't work on myself then. I just thought I was "cured" and didn't need to drink because I was on Prozac. That turned out to be a big fat fucking NO! I was not cured. I was not anywhere near healthy. But I insisted I was. Even tried to get others to stop drinking because my life was so much better without booze. 

The truth is, an anti-depressant alone isn't enough. I needed to work on why I used, and what made me tick. I was so fucking scared to face my demons and hurts that I didn't want to even pack to go to treatment. But my sister being my sister, knew that I wasn't going to do what needed to be done. And so she packed my suitcase for me, and had me finish up by choosing my shirts that I wanted. 

Treatment fucking sucked balls. Seriously. I was a mess the first two and a half months. I let everyone know what happened to me growing up, and I've heard that others were able to heal by hearing my story. But once I was able to admit I had an addiction that I could not hide behind anymore, I started my healing process. And now I am able to face my predaters face to face and not bat an eye. They mean nothing to me now and have no power over me. 

I know that gradually tapering off an anti-depressant is an option. But it sure as hell isn't an option on going to consider so soon in my recovery. And I sure as hell won't get off birth control anytime soon either. But that is a whole other story that I won't get into this time around.

So will I live my life on life's terms? Fuck no.