not smoking......again!!!

I'm at it again...I've decided to quit smoking...again...for the 7th time! This time I have utilized one of the many resources available. I am on Chantix right now, and so far am doing pretty good. My quit date is the 12th of April, but as of this morning, I no longer have any cigarettes, so I will not be smoking anymore. When I had quit before, I was too po' to buy any. But now that I have a pretty good paying job, and have less bills to pay, it seems I have money all the time for cigarettes. That is why I decided not to do this alone. Everyone needs help at certain times in their lives, this happens to be one of the many times I need help. The longest I was cigarette free was from August 2007 to December 2011. Thats a long ass time. Especially for someone who constantly needs "something" in their life. Before I started again, my vice was coffee. I'm sure I will go back to coffee since it is stimulating and gives me a buzz much like cigarettes do. If I seem off, or odd, or madder than usual, let me know. It could be my reaction to the Chantix, or I could just be being a bitch and not realizing it. Who knows, maybe by the end of the summer I will have a new tattoo!

Is it??? Or is it not???

I'm feeling a bit lost. I just recently been hurt and humiliated by someone I thought was a friend. He told me he loved me only after talking on the phone for a few weeks. That should have been a warning sign that he wasn't the right one for me. But I kept the friendship going and got to know him and was considering dating this guy. But after he hurt me I couldn't even be friends with him anymore.

I have another guy telling me he loved me everyday. For years he's been telling me this. I care for him and have thought about going beyond friendship but there is something holding me back. He knows what needs to be done to make things happen. But it's not my place to tell someone what to do with their life. Been there done that. I know now that I'm not in control of anyone else but myself.

It's not my place to judge. I don't want anyone to judge me, so why would I judge anyone else? If he wants things to work out; he will do what it takes to make things happen.

Lord give me strength....

I started my new job this week! I found out today what my schedule is going to be at Denali family services as a peer support specialist. I'll be working 10 am to 4 pm Monday through Friday. With carrs I will be working 5 pm to 10 pm Monday through Saturday. That is a total of 60 hours a week for the next few months atleast.

I also have a 100 hour practicum due in April and I honestly only have about 24 hours into it. I will be asking the director of case management my options on how and where I can get it done. And hope to be able to keep both jobs and complete my practicum and finish the RHS program with my cohort this year.

An amazing friend gave me the confidence I need to be able to do all this is a very short amount of time. I am very weary about this path that I am on, but if I was brought to it, I will get through it.

I believe in the power of prayer and ask that you, my friends and family keep me in your prayers as I am trudging this path I have been brought to. I want to thank you all in advance for your help and support through this trying time I'm going to be going through.

My life is shit....... Not really tho

I feel like crying. My life seems like shit right now. I'm late on rent and don't make enough at the moment. It feels like Made the hugest mistake leaving kotz before my certification and finishing my classess.

I've had many friends tell me that life gets hard but I will get through this. Thank you all for your support.

Cross roads

It's the new year. I am at a cross road in my life. Do I turn left? Do I turn right? Do I keep going on this road that I've been on? I just don't know.

I don't know if the choices I've made so far are the right choices. I don't know if they are the wrong choices. I just know that I will take the road I am meant to be on; and not be faulted or waiver in my choice.

Gibberish

I have had a crazy month so far. I've been trying to juggle my time with work, school, friends, family, and other stuff. I don't know what it is, but I'm not feeling myself anymore. I thought I was happy and could handle everything life throws at me. But I don't think I can handle it all right now. There's drama going on at work. I have a huge project due in April. And I'm trying to spend time with Lucas and my family. I can't seem to handle it all. I have to remind myself that if I was brought to it, I'll get through it. By the grace of God, the universe and my inner strenghrg, I will get through this. I have to. I can't just give up after going so far with everything I've been doing. What I really need is time alone. By myself in a room where I can just be with my thoughts and feelings. I need to get away from everyone and just be me for a while. But I can't do that where I live. I can't do that anywhere unless I find my own place or a room to rent. I've been looking, and hopefully found a room for rent. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up at the moment and I'm kinda freakin out about it. But I will not let my thoughts get the best of me like they have in the past. I have to remember I am not alone and can go to anyone for help. It's been hard talking to others about what is going on with me, but I am slowly releasing those thoughts and feelings to others and am finding out they won't judge me. They accept me for who I am and what I'm going through. I have this stigma on myself that I have to be strong and happy and not down on myself or anyone I am with. But not everyone is happy all the time. Not everyone is accepting of the situation at the moment. And I'm slowly becoming ok with that.

Mind over alcohol

You all know that I have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. I let them rule my life. I made the mistake of giving them power and relinquishing my own power to them.

During my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. After my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. I kept telling myself that I could never have another drop of alcohol again. Or I will ve back to where I started from. A drunk.

I relapsed in April of this year and took that to heart like no other. I had gotten so depressed I just wanted to take 500 pills to feel that detached feeling you get right before your body gives. But I talked to a few people and made the decision to come to Anchorage for counseling.

Making that decision sober was tbe hardest I've had to make so far. Even harder than asking my sister to take over raising my daughter. This was the first time I had dealt with this kind of pain sober. I had forced myself to dump the pain pills and not buy another permit to buy alcohol in Kotzebue.

When I got to Anchorage, I was a mess. Some of my family wad in town for school and I was able to talk to them about what I was going through. They supported me and let me feel what I needed to feel in order to get over the depression.

I have since then had a few beers and glasses of wine. I started drinking again on my birthday. But I do not allow myself to get drunk. I do not allow myself to revert back to who I was before. I have the power over alcohol and it feels pretty damn good.

I know this will shock a lot of you. But I feel it is what I should be doing. I refuse to let drugs and alcohol rule my life again.