E'ff it

Let me see. I have had a pretty hard summer, and was trying not to let it get to me. But when I was in class last week, I realized that it had gotten to me, and I let it get the best of me. Well, when I realized that I said, "E'ff you asshole!!! You will not bring me down like that!" I let someone tell me that I am fucked up in the head and that I can not help others because I haven't helped myself.

Well, fuck you. I quit drinking all on my own. I get mad when others drink so freely around me, but act like it doesn't bother me. I'm sick and tired of acting like being around alcohol is ok. It's not ok. I still want to drink every day. My sister picked up some wine and tried to have a glass each night. I would take a few sips from her, but after those few sips I realized I didn't want to drink any more than that.

I have come to realize I can't treat alcohol like it's the devil and has to be totally out of my life. When I quit smoking cigarettes I didn't say I quit for over a year. I kept telling myself that I will buy a pack next pay check. If I have the mentality that I can have a drink then I won't have the stigma of being a quitter hanging over me. It's here. It's legal for me to buy it. Why not act like it's ok to be around it.

I have come a long way from where I was. I have not gotten as far as others, but I have to realize that I am younger that many of the alcohol addicts and I have them to ask for help when I need it. I can't go on living life like I don't have a problem. I need to understand I am human and will make mistakes. Thank you all for the help and support I've needed and will continue to need.

words

My whole life I've felt like I wasn't ever enough. I wasn't a good enough daughter, I wasn't a good enough sister, I wasn't a good enough student, I wasn't a good enough mother.

It is very hard to get past that way of thinking. And I still find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. I have been told many times that I am a strong independent individual, and I know I am, I just haven't been feeling that way for a couple of days. I feel like I am not who I can be. That I have let myself and the ones I care about down by not sticking with what I loved to do. I loved working with youth and seeing them realize their potential as a person and knowing they are in charge of their outcome in life. I want to get back to helping the youth, I just have to find myself again and have the strength and determination to keep on going.

The past few months have been the hardest of my adult life. I am living back with my mom and sister in the house I grew up in. The house where all my hurts started. I guess this is how I'm supposed to get some sort of closure. I'm really not too sure. I know that the country is in a really hard spot right now, but I didn't see how bad Alaska was until I actually had to find a job. I know I will find a job, I'm just feeling impatient and letting my brain get to myself.

I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they take over. Lord knows that does not need to happen.

Just not Ready

Well. This will shock and sadden a bunch of people, but I cannot move to Hooper Bay right now. I am not ready for village life, and the drama that comes with it, and still am healing from my last depressed swing in May. I am sorry I can't be helping my community right now, but I think in the long run it would be better for me and more cost effective for the community. I love my hometown and do want to help you guys heal. I just don't think I am strong enough right now for that.

I keep going back and forth about on what to do, but staying in Anchorage is more appealing to me at the moment. I would have to find a place to stay, and it has to have running water. I am too city now and cannot live in a house without running water.

Someday I would love to go back and help out Hooper Bay, I just can't do it today.

The Latest

My poor neglected blog. I am sorry for not writing anything for a long time. But I was busy with my sister's kids, and trying not to get too mad and angry with the world to notice I had a blog. But I am finding more time to think about all that has been going on since I moved back to Anchorage.

I finally went and got a physical, and tried to change my medicine, but that turned out to be a huge mistake, so now I am feeling like my old self again. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for getting myself into the life style I have now. I found out that I have high cholesterol, and I am only 30. I have no one to blame but myself, and know that I can be the one to make the change for a healthier life style. I just have to remember I didn't get this way over night, so it'll take me a while to get myself healthy again.

I have been having second and third and fourth thoughts on being a substance abuse counselor. I really love helping people, but I have to help myself before I help others. I'm not going to give up on trying to help people, I'm just going to let life take its course and try not to force something that wasn't meant to be.

Life is very tricky and you never know what was meant to be until it feels right. I just need to let myself be and find what's right for me.

Comfort in where I'm at in life

I finally got to visit with a good friend today and she was very supportive of my move back to Anchorage. I told her that once I came back to Anchorage with my family I couldn't go back. She knew that once I had my sister adopt Adya, I wouldn't last very long without her.

I am at a very pivotal point in my life, and am just letting go and having my life take the course it needs to take. I will not try and force anything that isn't meant to happen.

My whole life I've tried to force things to happen when the time wasn't right for the situation, or make things happen at the wrong time. But this time I did not force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I feel so calm and relaxed right now. More so than I've ever have in my whole life. I finally feel like I am doing the right thing and not freaking out about my decisions. I've always taken life way too seriously and think everything I do is a turning point in my life. After the depression episode, I've realized that every decision I make isn't life altering, and if it is, I can get through it with the support system I have.

I can't say where I will be in a week, month, or year. But I do know that I will be me. A happy me that deserves anything I get out of life that I put onto it. You only get what you give.

7/15/11

I finally got to visit with a good friend today and she was very supportive of my move back to Anchorage. I told her that once I came back to Anchorage with my family I couldn't go back.She knew that once I had my sister adopt Adya, I wouldn't last very long without her.

I am at a very pivotal point in my life, and am just letting go and having my life take the course it needs to take. I will not try and force anything that isn't meant to happen.

My whole life I've tried to force things to happen when the time wasn't right for the situation, or make things happen at the wrong time. But this time I did not force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I feel so calm and relaxed right now. More so than I've ever have in my whole life. I finally feel like I am doing the right thing and not freaking out about my decisions. I've always taken life way too seriously and think everything I do is a turning point in my life. After the depression episode, I've realized that every decision I make isn't life altering, and if it is, I can get through it with the support system I have.

I can't say where I will be in a week, month, or year. But I do know that I will be me. A happy me that deserves anything I get out of life that I put onto it. You only get what you give.

Not gonna regret my choices

I've been asked many times when will I have another baby. But, to be honest, I do not plan on having another baby. We live in a world where it is expected for women to have babies. But I did not plan on having any babies. Mostly since I'm not very good with kids, or patient at all. Adya was a blessing to me. I will not regret having her in my life. She has been my life for the past 11 years, and even though I asked my sister to adopt her, I still live my life for her.

I read that more and more women are not planning on having any babies, and are not regretting that decision. I was talking with my sister and told her about this artical, and she said that she understands where I am coming from. She knows me better than I know myself, and she said that I am part of that group that don't want to have a baby. She knows that I've always lived like I was single, and that I am not good with kids, so she supports my decision and does not make me feel bad for not wanting to have anymore babies.

I do not plan on being single the rest of my life, but if I do, I am fine with that. I will not hold myself back from being in a relationship. I just plan on focusing on my career and if I find someone I will see what happens.