Gibberish

I have had a crazy month so far. I've been trying to juggle my time with work, school, friends, family, and other stuff. I don't know what it is, but I'm not feeling myself anymore. I thought I was happy and could handle everything life throws at me. But I don't think I can handle it all right now. There's drama going on at work. I have a huge project due in April. And I'm trying to spend time with Lucas and my family. I can't seem to handle it all. I have to remind myself that if I was brought to it, I'll get through it. By the grace of God, the universe and my inner strenghrg, I will get through this. I have to. I can't just give up after going so far with everything I've been doing. What I really need is time alone. By myself in a room where I can just be with my thoughts and feelings. I need to get away from everyone and just be me for a while. But I can't do that where I live. I can't do that anywhere unless I find my own place or a room to rent. I've been looking, and hopefully found a room for rent. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up at the moment and I'm kinda freakin out about it. But I will not let my thoughts get the best of me like they have in the past. I have to remember I am not alone and can go to anyone for help. It's been hard talking to others about what is going on with me, but I am slowly releasing those thoughts and feelings to others and am finding out they won't judge me. They accept me for who I am and what I'm going through. I have this stigma on myself that I have to be strong and happy and not down on myself or anyone I am with. But not everyone is happy all the time. Not everyone is accepting of the situation at the moment. And I'm slowly becoming ok with that.

Mind over alcohol

You all know that I have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. I let them rule my life. I made the mistake of giving them power and relinquishing my own power to them.

During my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. After my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. I kept telling myself that I could never have another drop of alcohol again. Or I will ve back to where I started from. A drunk.

I relapsed in April of this year and took that to heart like no other. I had gotten so depressed I just wanted to take 500 pills to feel that detached feeling you get right before your body gives. But I talked to a few people and made the decision to come to Anchorage for counseling.

Making that decision sober was tbe hardest I've had to make so far. Even harder than asking my sister to take over raising my daughter. This was the first time I had dealt with this kind of pain sober. I had forced myself to dump the pain pills and not buy another permit to buy alcohol in Kotzebue.

When I got to Anchorage, I was a mess. Some of my family wad in town for school and I was able to talk to them about what I was going through. They supported me and let me feel what I needed to feel in order to get over the depression.

I have since then had a few beers and glasses of wine. I started drinking again on my birthday. But I do not allow myself to get drunk. I do not allow myself to revert back to who I was before. I have the power over alcohol and it feels pretty damn good.

I know this will shock a lot of you. But I feel it is what I should be doing. I refuse to let drugs and alcohol rule my life again.

Whew!

I honestly did not think I would be at where I am at in life. I have met someone who has opened my eyes to feelings I have long forgotten about. He makes me feel beautiful and like a human being again. I had planned on staying single the rest of my life, and was actually contemplating my own wedding just so I can throw one. Even if it was for myself. But Lucas has came into my life and has made me so happy I do not know what to do with myself. We had a blast on my birthday and that night I realized we were both stuborn as f***. The next day I told him I think I met my match. Other guys have not been able to keep up with me, but he proved me wrong. He can make me laugh my cheecks hurt and drive me so crazy I just want to slap him sometimes. I am grateful for who he is and who he brings out in me.

E'ff it

Let me see. I have had a pretty hard summer, and was trying not to let it get to me. But when I was in class last week, I realized that it had gotten to me, and I let it get the best of me. Well, when I realized that I said, "E'ff you asshole!!! You will not bring me down like that!" I let someone tell me that I am fucked up in the head and that I can not help others because I haven't helped myself.

Well, fuck you. I quit drinking all on my own. I get mad when others drink so freely around me, but act like it doesn't bother me. I'm sick and tired of acting like being around alcohol is ok. It's not ok. I still want to drink every day. My sister picked up some wine and tried to have a glass each night. I would take a few sips from her, but after those few sips I realized I didn't want to drink any more than that.

I have come to realize I can't treat alcohol like it's the devil and has to be totally out of my life. When I quit smoking cigarettes I didn't say I quit for over a year. I kept telling myself that I will buy a pack next pay check. If I have the mentality that I can have a drink then I won't have the stigma of being a quitter hanging over me. It's here. It's legal for me to buy it. Why not act like it's ok to be around it.

I have come a long way from where I was. I have not gotten as far as others, but I have to realize that I am younger that many of the alcohol addicts and I have them to ask for help when I need it. I can't go on living life like I don't have a problem. I need to understand I am human and will make mistakes. Thank you all for the help and support I've needed and will continue to need.

words

My whole life I've felt like I wasn't ever enough. I wasn't a good enough daughter, I wasn't a good enough sister, I wasn't a good enough student, I wasn't a good enough mother.

It is very hard to get past that way of thinking. And I still find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. I have been told many times that I am a strong independent individual, and I know I am, I just haven't been feeling that way for a couple of days. I feel like I am not who I can be. That I have let myself and the ones I care about down by not sticking with what I loved to do. I loved working with youth and seeing them realize their potential as a person and knowing they are in charge of their outcome in life. I want to get back to helping the youth, I just have to find myself again and have the strength and determination to keep on going.

The past few months have been the hardest of my adult life. I am living back with my mom and sister in the house I grew up in. The house where all my hurts started. I guess this is how I'm supposed to get some sort of closure. I'm really not too sure. I know that the country is in a really hard spot right now, but I didn't see how bad Alaska was until I actually had to find a job. I know I will find a job, I'm just feeling impatient and letting my brain get to myself.

I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they take over. Lord knows that does not need to happen.

Just not Ready

Well. This will shock and sadden a bunch of people, but I cannot move to Hooper Bay right now. I am not ready for village life, and the drama that comes with it, and still am healing from my last depressed swing in May. I am sorry I can't be helping my community right now, but I think in the long run it would be better for me and more cost effective for the community. I love my hometown and do want to help you guys heal. I just don't think I am strong enough right now for that.

I keep going back and forth about on what to do, but staying in Anchorage is more appealing to me at the moment. I would have to find a place to stay, and it has to have running water. I am too city now and cannot live in a house without running water.

Someday I would love to go back and help out Hooper Bay, I just can't do it today.

The Latest

My poor neglected blog. I am sorry for not writing anything for a long time. But I was busy with my sister's kids, and trying not to get too mad and angry with the world to notice I had a blog. But I am finding more time to think about all that has been going on since I moved back to Anchorage.

I finally went and got a physical, and tried to change my medicine, but that turned out to be a huge mistake, so now I am feeling like my old self again. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for getting myself into the life style I have now. I found out that I have high cholesterol, and I am only 30. I have no one to blame but myself, and know that I can be the one to make the change for a healthier life style. I just have to remember I didn't get this way over night, so it'll take me a while to get myself healthy again.

I have been having second and third and fourth thoughts on being a substance abuse counselor. I really love helping people, but I have to help myself before I help others. I'm not going to give up on trying to help people, I'm just going to let life take its course and try not to force something that wasn't meant to be.

Life is very tricky and you never know what was meant to be until it feels right. I just need to let myself be and find what's right for me.