Most of you know that I've been going through a really hard time the past few days. I started taking chantix because I wanted to stop smoking. One of the side effects hit almost as soon as I started it; the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my whole entire life. I love sleeping more than usual because my dreams were so amazingly weird.
A week after being on chantix though, I started to feel a bit down. As the days went by, the feeling started getting deeper and deeper. On Friday I had to stop taking them because I was afraid I was going to fall into a pit I wasn't going to be able pull myself out of. The weekend was pretty uneventful, but that only worsened my depression. All I did was sleep and didn't get outside at all.
Today I went to work and was feeling pretty good about myself. About the day actually. But as soon as I was not working, I started to spiral out of control. Most of you won't like this next part, but I started actually thinking of ways to end my life.
I've had thoughts like these pretty much all my life, but today is the first time I knew I wasn't going to act on my thoughts. I've always wanted to over dose. I've tried that way before. But today I was thinking of other ways of ending my life. Like taking a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Or drowning in a nice hot bath with my relaxing bubbles. Believe me. I WILL NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS!
I've never hidden anything from this blog and am not about to start hiding anything now. This blog has been my saving grace since I started it.
Don't worry. I'm going to keep going strong. I'm going to keep fighting for my life. I just had to get this out of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment