Ole Lake

Ole Lake. This is the name of the man who molested me when I was 10 years old. I still believed that uncle’s were here to protect me from harm. To keep me safe from people like him. I had no idea that there were people that would take advantage of a little girl the way you did to me 27 years ago. 

My life has been hell for the past 27 years. That is more than half my lifetime. Up until recently, I was truly terrified of you. I was still thinking with my 10 year old brain and reliving those hours you tore my spirit apart. Up until recently, I thought I would be afraid of you until you died. But that is not the case anymore. I am not afraid of you. You will not hurt me now, I will not allow it.

I don’t know why you chose to hurt me the way you did all those years ago, I don’t need to know why. All I need to know is that you do not have control of me anymore. I am not afraid of you and the next time I see you, i will not cower. 

Plexus and my sobriety

A lot of you know I am an addict in recovery. A lot of you know I have started Plexus not too long ago. What a lot of you don't know, is that Plexus has played an intricate roll, not only in my health, well being, but in my sobriety as well. I've been able to participate in team calls each week since I've started Plexus, and each call has had an element corresponding along my sobriety.

My sobriety is a huge part of my life, and have not had an urge, or craving, to use in a long time. Yesterday was a day that I just wanted to take a pill, and just not feel. Each August, I miss my sister and her kids so much, I end up crying. I feel so strong in my sobriety that I knew there was no way I was going to act on my wants. I also know that the oportunity to use is just around the corner. I have come so far, in such a short time, that I am not willing to just throw all my hard work away on a want.

How I view plexus, and all the amazing benefits it has to offer, is much like how I view holding on to my sobriety. It took me a while to finally ask my friend what Plexus has to offer, then a bit longer to actually want to try it out. Once I knew I wanted to give Plexus a try, I wanted the products to be at my door, yesterday. I wanted to feel the effects of it this morning. But like sobriety, I had to wait. Then wait a bit more. But since I have been taking pretty good care of myself since the beginning of the year, I've been able to notice a difference now. Just four little weeks in, and my body is just changing. And I am in love with myself. I feel so good about doing fucking yoga. Getting on that fucking treadmill and just walking and going and going and going just a bit longer.

My personal belief is everyone needs to be single, be medicated, and drink a lot more water. I'm going to amend my belief, and add that everyone should be on Plexus along with all that I just said. That is what I believe would make the world a better place.

Thank you for all the support you have given me, I love you, and if you want a bit of what I have, let me know and I can show you the way!

Rantings of a bruised mind

Last night was a test in my faith. The faith that I have in myself to keep sober, and not give into the frustration I have not felt in a long time. In the back of my mind, I knew I would not falter in my sobriety. But I have lost a huge chunk of respect towards my faith in humanity. Not only humanity though, faith in my family that they respect my choice to stay sober in this fucked up world we live in.

It was my naive assumption that they would not ask of me to do what I won't even do for myself. I thought that because they knew I was sober, that there was no way in hell that I would pick something up for them, because it was convenient for them. They had no care in the world that stepping into a store, would be a trigger for me. I want to know where they got the idea that I would do for them, what I won't even do for myself. Was it because I'm used to their ways? Was it because I don't mind them drinking in front of me? Was it because they see me as a fucking doormat?

I guess I haven't learned how to protect myself from others using me as a doormat. My next step in life is to learn how to do that. So if it seems like I've changed to you, I am. 

No one

A lot of people come to me with their problems. A lot of people get advice from me by the time we are done talking. A lot of people feel better after talking to me about what is going on with them and their lives. What a lot of people don't know is that I don't tell them my problems. Especially when they are telling me theirs. I think it is rude to interject my problems onto them when they are telling me their woes. 

I have been especially emotional these past few months. It was one thing after another after another. And when I would talk to someone, they would feel the need to tell me what is going on with them. Shutting me out, leaving me feeling like my woes are not significant enough for them to listen to. I have a tendency to feel what the other person is going through when they talk to me. I don't remember how long I've been like this, but it makes me feel like my problems don't mean as much to the person I am talking to. 

This past month, I haven't been able to talk to my friends or family about what I am going through and why I feel like I am in this deep, deep hole, and I can't get a grip to get out yet. I know I will. I always do. I know the only time I won't be able to get myself out is when I am no longer here. I try so hard to be the best I can be with what I can provide for myself. But with the emergency surgery and all the illness that has come with it, I am struggling to provide even the basic necessities for myself. Let alone for others.

Just once I would love for someone to give to me, what I have given to them, someone to just listen, and if they can offer any advice without interjecting their own problems, that would be the icing on the cake for me. But if all you can do is listen, then please. Just listen. Let me know that I have someone to turn to without having to turn off my feelings to help you. I just can't do it anymore. 

On all the time

Have you ever felt like you had to be on all the time? Like no matter what is going on in life, you had to appear like everything in your mind is in order? Like nothing outside of yourself is bothering you, because you are the one everyone goes to? The one everyone tells their inner most secrets to?

I've felt that way. I feel that way almost every day of my waking life. I don't know when it happened. I don't know why it happened. But it did. And once people started to realize how beneficial I was to them, I became their sounding broad. I became their confidant that they can tell anything to. And not worry about me telling anyone else, because I don't like others spreading what I told them in confidence, to another person. So I keep my mouth shut.

I've kept my mouth shut for so long, and for so many other people, that they do not ask me what is really going on. They do not wait for me to tell my side of the story. And when I do actually get to say something, it goes unnoticed or ignored by the one person that feels they can unload their life on me. 

When do I get a chance to tell you what is going on in my world? When do I get the chance to say, I am hurting so much inside, that it's overflowing into your world, but you're so consumed by your mess, that you don't see mine? Did you forget that I am only a human being, with only so much I can take, before I explode? Why don't you see that I am hurting inside? Why don't you feel my energy not being positive? I don't have the energy to be your overflow of your emotions. Most of the time I do, but now? Right now, I don't have it.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't be everyone's go to all the time. You have other people in your life that you can talk to. You tell me about them all the time. But when I finally get to say what needs to be said, you don't have time for that. You got what you needed off your chest. You get to feel better about your life. Have YOU ever stopped to think, what about Lorna? How is she really managing to hold it all together? Does my happiness mean as much to you, as yours means to me? If you don't know how to answer that, then maybe we need to talk about our friendship, and see if it really is a friendship, or just someone using someone else?

Livin' my life in a slow hell...

I was asked recently how I was able to live my life knowing I was molested as a young girl. Being treated differently by my mom compared to my sister. Knowing that I lived with the pain I endured as a child, alone. No one knew what I had gone through. No one knew I had been molested by family. No one. Not even my sister, who knows everything about me, knew. I kept my mouth shut and my head down.

I honestly thought everything that had happened to me was my fault. My fault for not saying no. My fault for allowing a trusted adult to hurt me, like I've never been hurt before. I thought, since it was done to me, it was done to everyone. No one spoke of any wrong doing to others in my family. Not until I was much older, and deeper in my pain, was it acknowledged, by anyone other than myself, that our family wasn't as "good" as we thought. 

I learned how to "act" around my mom. Everything I did though, was in vain. The hurtful words were said. The discipline was enforced. My sister don't know how deeply I was hurt until much, much later. But she knew I needed taken care of the only way a sister knows how. She became, not only my "mom", but a "mom" to many other kids. 

I don't know how to explain how I lived after I was molested, and hurt, but I did. And survived. Having a shitty life thrust upon you is hard to deal with. But nothing is impossible or unmanageable. You just learn to listen to your surroundings, watch and see everyone that crosses your path. It's hell on the mind, being so observant, but it's amazing what your brain can handle. 

Livin life on my terms. Not life's

So. I had a question asked of me last week that got me thinkin'. Can I live life on life's terms without medication. No I can't live life without meds. I know what I'm like without meds. And it's scary deadly. 

Initially I got on anti-depressants to ease pms symptoms. Then it helped with the depression that I was trying to hide with booze. But I didn't work on myself then. I just thought I was "cured" and didn't need to drink because I was on Prozac. That turned out to be a big fat fucking NO! I was not cured. I was not anywhere near healthy. But I insisted I was. Even tried to get others to stop drinking because my life was so much better without booze. 

The truth is, an anti-depressant alone isn't enough. I needed to work on why I used, and what made me tick. I was so fucking scared to face my demons and hurts that I didn't want to even pack to go to treatment. But my sister being my sister, knew that I wasn't going to do what needed to be done. And so she packed my suitcase for me, and had me finish up by choosing my shirts that I wanted. 

Treatment fucking sucked balls. Seriously. I was a mess the first two and a half months. I let everyone know what happened to me growing up, and I've heard that others were able to heal by hearing my story. But once I was able to admit I had an addiction that I could not hide behind anymore, I started my healing process. And now I am able to face my predaters face to face and not bat an eye. They mean nothing to me now and have no power over me. 

I know that gradually tapering off an anti-depressant is an option. But it sure as hell isn't an option on going to consider so soon in my recovery. And I sure as hell won't get off birth control anytime soon either. But that is a whole other story that I won't get into this time around.

So will I live my life on life's terms? Fuck no. 

2-10-14

*huge sigh* Long time no blog. It's been years since I've seen you. Not that I didn't want to see you. It's just that I didn't want to see what's inside myself. That's what I use this blog for. Looking within to find words and feelings I've lost in the jumbled mess of my brain. 

I have gone through a lot of changes since the last time I was on. I had started drinking and drugging again. Gone through treatment and ceased drinking and drugging again. This time though, I am facing my demons, fighting through each agonizing and treacherous memory, thought, feeling - sober. 

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would be able to face my past sober. I thought I would just go through life a drunk, pain killer induced being running from my fears. But I was slapped in the face by my past and woke up in a place I never thought I would, the ICU, detoxing from the drugs that I ingested, trying to make the pain go away.  That is when I realized I needed more help than just myself, and the wine I used to numb the pain.

I've come to the realization that there are many things out of my control. The words my mom uses towards me. The way others perceive me, no matter how open and honest I am. I can only control myself, and my thoughts and actions.

Most days I don't even want to leave my apartment, or shower, or even eat when I am hungry. I can blame it on my depression. But I can also put it all on myself because my depression does not own me. I cannot let it consume every waking minute of me. Easier said than done, right? Wrong. All I have to do is go to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. Go to the bathroom and take a shower. Work on the packet that has been sitting on my floor since I brought it from my last meeting with my clinician. I physically tell myself to do these things, then do them. Easier said then done.

It's not easy being me. It's not eat knowing there is a world of people I can call, or text, or message when I am feeling down. Once I feel this way, it's hard for me to tell others what is going on with me. I don't want them to know I can't get out of bed. That I can't bring myself to eat when hungry. I don't want anyone to know how human I really am. And that thought frightens me. 

Partyin is not the way....

I thought this weekend was a blast from the past. Turns out it was just shit. All. Fucking. Weekend.

I did things that I thought I would never do. I can't take back what I did or undo the things I said. I just want to wollow in my depressed mood. Just sit here and be miserable. I just can't though. I have too much riding on my life at the moment to just let things be.

My actions caused me to step back from life and see who my real friends are. I'm not sure how things are going to go. I'm not even sure I will have the few really good friends I have after what has happened. I did not mean to upset anyone but I have and am paying the consequence.

My dad

We usually are at the gravesite today. But my sister had to bring Adya out to hooper for the funeral. There are many unanswered questions my sister and have about our dads death. But no one will tell us anything. It makes me wonder what really happened that day. He had two of the most awesomesy babies in the world. I dont see why he couldnt just live for us. I understand where he was in depression, but I've always been able to pull myself out of it. Why. Why wont anyone tell us what happened.

WILL NOT ACT ON MY THOUGHTS

Most of you know that I've been going through a really hard time the past few days. I started taking chantix because I wanted to stop smoking. One of the side effects hit almost as soon as I started it; the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my whole entire life. I love sleeping more than usual because my dreams were so amazingly weird.

A week after being on chantix though, I started to feel a bit down. As the days went by, the feeling started getting deeper and deeper. On Friday I had to stop taking them because I was afraid I was going to fall into a pit I wasn't going to be able pull myself out of. The weekend was pretty uneventful, but that only worsened my depression. All I did was sleep and didn't get outside at all.

Today I went to work and was feeling pretty good about myself. About the day actually. But as soon as I was not working, I started to spiral out of control. Most of you won't like this next part, but I started actually thinking of ways to end my life.

I've had thoughts like these pretty much all my life, but today is the first time I knew I wasn't going to act on my thoughts. I've always wanted to over dose. I've tried that way before. But today I was thinking of other ways of ending my life. Like taking a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Or drowning in a nice hot bath with my relaxing bubbles. Believe me. I WILL NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS!

I've never hidden anything from this blog and am not about to start hiding anything now. This blog has been my saving grace since I started it.

Don't worry. I'm going to keep going strong. I'm going to keep fighting for my life. I just had to get this out of me.

Shet

Gee. It seems like everyone that I love is leaving me. My BFF from carrs is leaving, the woman that understands me the most is leaving, feels like I lost the only honest male BFF ever in my life. I feel like I'm being abandoned! By the people that are not contractually obligated to love me back as much as I love them! I'm sure the new meds have something to do with the way I'm feeling. And the fact that I'm still in this damn walking boot until the first week of May might have a bit to do with how I'm feeling. Oh yes. And the fact that every single test I've taken for my job I have failed. Miserably!!!! I just want to scream and kick and cry. But I won't. I'll keep my damn head held high. With a quivering chin and tears streaming down my face, I will keep doing what I'm doing.

And Im done....

I've decided. I can't wait around for anyone to do what I want them to do. All I can do is live my life the way I have been, sober and alone, and hope that someday it will have all paid off. I've learned the hard way, too many damn times to count, that trying to make something happen will only force it in the other direction. I can't b pushing something away I want. I'll just have to turn and walk away. Possibly from one of the best thing to happen to me. But that's what I feel I have to do right now. I'm too old to be doing what I've been doing. I need to focus on my career and the many options I have in front of me. Don't get me wrong. I would love to go home to someone that I love and talk about my day and what pleased me and irritated me throughout the day. But I haven't found someone who wants what I want. Sad but true. I can't be hurt by my actions anymore. I don't think I can take the pain again. A person can only withstand so much. Then they crumble

not smoking......again!!!

I'm at it again...I've decided to quit smoking...again...for the 7th time! This time I have utilized one of the many resources available. I am on Chantix right now, and so far am doing pretty good. My quit date is the 12th of April, but as of this morning, I no longer have any cigarettes, so I will not be smoking anymore. When I had quit before, I was too po' to buy any. But now that I have a pretty good paying job, and have less bills to pay, it seems I have money all the time for cigarettes. That is why I decided not to do this alone. Everyone needs help at certain times in their lives, this happens to be one of the many times I need help. The longest I was cigarette free was from August 2007 to December 2011. Thats a long ass time. Especially for someone who constantly needs "something" in their life. Before I started again, my vice was coffee. I'm sure I will go back to coffee since it is stimulating and gives me a buzz much like cigarettes do. If I seem off, or odd, or madder than usual, let me know. It could be my reaction to the Chantix, or I could just be being a bitch and not realizing it. Who knows, maybe by the end of the summer I will have a new tattoo!

Is it??? Or is it not???

I'm feeling a bit lost. I just recently been hurt and humiliated by someone I thought was a friend. He told me he loved me only after talking on the phone for a few weeks. That should have been a warning sign that he wasn't the right one for me. But I kept the friendship going and got to know him and was considering dating this guy. But after he hurt me I couldn't even be friends with him anymore.

I have another guy telling me he loved me everyday. For years he's been telling me this. I care for him and have thought about going beyond friendship but there is something holding me back. He knows what needs to be done to make things happen. But it's not my place to tell someone what to do with their life. Been there done that. I know now that I'm not in control of anyone else but myself.

It's not my place to judge. I don't want anyone to judge me, so why would I judge anyone else? If he wants things to work out; he will do what it takes to make things happen.

Lord give me strength....

I started my new job this week! I found out today what my schedule is going to be at Denali family services as a peer support specialist. I'll be working 10 am to 4 pm Monday through Friday. With carrs I will be working 5 pm to 10 pm Monday through Saturday. That is a total of 60 hours a week for the next few months atleast.

I also have a 100 hour practicum due in April and I honestly only have about 24 hours into it. I will be asking the director of case management my options on how and where I can get it done. And hope to be able to keep both jobs and complete my practicum and finish the RHS program with my cohort this year.

An amazing friend gave me the confidence I need to be able to do all this is a very short amount of time. I am very weary about this path that I am on, but if I was brought to it, I will get through it.

I believe in the power of prayer and ask that you, my friends and family keep me in your prayers as I am trudging this path I have been brought to. I want to thank you all in advance for your help and support through this trying time I'm going to be going through.

My life is shit....... Not really tho

I feel like crying. My life seems like shit right now. I'm late on rent and don't make enough at the moment. It feels like Made the hugest mistake leaving kotz before my certification and finishing my classess.

I've had many friends tell me that life gets hard but I will get through this. Thank you all for your support.

Cross roads

It's the new year. I am at a cross road in my life. Do I turn left? Do I turn right? Do I keep going on this road that I've been on? I just don't know.

I don't know if the choices I've made so far are the right choices. I don't know if they are the wrong choices. I just know that I will take the road I am meant to be on; and not be faulted or waiver in my choice.

Gibberish

I have had a crazy month so far. I've been trying to juggle my time with work, school, friends, family, and other stuff. I don't know what it is, but I'm not feeling myself anymore. I thought I was happy and could handle everything life throws at me. But I don't think I can handle it all right now. There's drama going on at work. I have a huge project due in April. And I'm trying to spend time with Lucas and my family. I can't seem to handle it all. I have to remind myself that if I was brought to it, I'll get through it. By the grace of God, the universe and my inner strenghrg, I will get through this. I have to. I can't just give up after going so far with everything I've been doing. What I really need is time alone. By myself in a room where I can just be with my thoughts and feelings. I need to get away from everyone and just be me for a while. But I can't do that where I live. I can't do that anywhere unless I find my own place or a room to rent. I've been looking, and hopefully found a room for rent. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up at the moment and I'm kinda freakin out about it. But I will not let my thoughts get the best of me like they have in the past. I have to remember I am not alone and can go to anyone for help. It's been hard talking to others about what is going on with me, but I am slowly releasing those thoughts and feelings to others and am finding out they won't judge me. They accept me for who I am and what I'm going through. I have this stigma on myself that I have to be strong and happy and not down on myself or anyone I am with. But not everyone is happy all the time. Not everyone is accepting of the situation at the moment. And I'm slowly becoming ok with that.

Mind over alcohol

You all know that I have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. I let them rule my life. I made the mistake of giving them power and relinquishing my own power to them.

During my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. After my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. I kept telling myself that I could never have another drop of alcohol again. Or I will ve back to where I started from. A drunk.

I relapsed in April of this year and took that to heart like no other. I had gotten so depressed I just wanted to take 500 pills to feel that detached feeling you get right before your body gives. But I talked to a few people and made the decision to come to Anchorage for counseling.

Making that decision sober was tbe hardest I've had to make so far. Even harder than asking my sister to take over raising my daughter. This was the first time I had dealt with this kind of pain sober. I had forced myself to dump the pain pills and not buy another permit to buy alcohol in Kotzebue.

When I got to Anchorage, I was a mess. Some of my family wad in town for school and I was able to talk to them about what I was going through. They supported me and let me feel what I needed to feel in order to get over the depression.

I have since then had a few beers and glasses of wine. I started drinking again on my birthday. But I do not allow myself to get drunk. I do not allow myself to revert back to who I was before. I have the power over alcohol and it feels pretty damn good.

I know this will shock a lot of you. But I feel it is what I should be doing. I refuse to let drugs and alcohol rule my life again.