2-10-14

*huge sigh* Long time no blog. It's been years since I've seen you. Not that I didn't want to see you. It's just that I didn't want to see what's inside myself. That's what I use this blog for. Looking within to find words and feelings I've lost in the jumbled mess of my brain. 

I have gone through a lot of changes since the last time I was on. I had started drinking and drugging again. Gone through treatment and ceased drinking and drugging again. This time though, I am facing my demons, fighting through each agonizing and treacherous memory, thought, feeling - sober. 

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would be able to face my past sober. I thought I would just go through life a drunk, pain killer induced being running from my fears. But I was slapped in the face by my past and woke up in a place I never thought I would, the ICU, detoxing from the drugs that I ingested, trying to make the pain go away.  That is when I realized I needed more help than just myself, and the wine I used to numb the pain.

I've come to the realization that there are many things out of my control. The words my mom uses towards me. The way others perceive me, no matter how open and honest I am. I can only control myself, and my thoughts and actions.

Most days I don't even want to leave my apartment, or shower, or even eat when I am hungry. I can blame it on my depression. But I can also put it all on myself because my depression does not own me. I cannot let it consume every waking minute of me. Easier said than done, right? Wrong. All I have to do is go to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. Go to the bathroom and take a shower. Work on the packet that has been sitting on my floor since I brought it from my last meeting with my clinician. I physically tell myself to do these things, then do them. Easier said then done.

It's not easy being me. It's not eat knowing there is a world of people I can call, or text, or message when I am feeling down. Once I feel this way, it's hard for me to tell others what is going on with me. I don't want them to know I can't get out of bed. That I can't bring myself to eat when hungry. I don't want anyone to know how human I really am. And that thought frightens me. 

Partyin is not the way....

I thought this weekend was a blast from the past. Turns out it was just shit. All. Fucking. Weekend.

I did things that I thought I would never do. I can't take back what I did or undo the things I said. I just want to wollow in my depressed mood. Just sit here and be miserable. I just can't though. I have too much riding on my life at the moment to just let things be.

My actions caused me to step back from life and see who my real friends are. I'm not sure how things are going to go. I'm not even sure I will have the few really good friends I have after what has happened. I did not mean to upset anyone but I have and am paying the consequence.

My dad

We usually are at the gravesite today. But my sister had to bring Adya out to hooper for the funeral. There are many unanswered questions my sister and have about our dads death. But no one will tell us anything. It makes me wonder what really happened that day. He had two of the most awesomesy babies in the world. I dont see why he couldnt just live for us. I understand where he was in depression, but I've always been able to pull myself out of it. Why. Why wont anyone tell us what happened.

WILL NOT ACT ON MY THOUGHTS

Most of you know that I've been going through a really hard time the past few days. I started taking chantix because I wanted to stop smoking. One of the side effects hit almost as soon as I started it; the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my whole entire life. I love sleeping more than usual because my dreams were so amazingly weird.

A week after being on chantix though, I started to feel a bit down. As the days went by, the feeling started getting deeper and deeper. On Friday I had to stop taking them because I was afraid I was going to fall into a pit I wasn't going to be able pull myself out of. The weekend was pretty uneventful, but that only worsened my depression. All I did was sleep and didn't get outside at all.

Today I went to work and was feeling pretty good about myself. About the day actually. But as soon as I was not working, I started to spiral out of control. Most of you won't like this next part, but I started actually thinking of ways to end my life.

I've had thoughts like these pretty much all my life, but today is the first time I knew I wasn't going to act on my thoughts. I've always wanted to over dose. I've tried that way before. But today I was thinking of other ways of ending my life. Like taking a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. Or drowning in a nice hot bath with my relaxing bubbles. Believe me. I WILL NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS!

I've never hidden anything from this blog and am not about to start hiding anything now. This blog has been my saving grace since I started it.

Don't worry. I'm going to keep going strong. I'm going to keep fighting for my life. I just had to get this out of me.

Shet

Gee. It seems like everyone that I love is leaving me. My BFF from carrs is leaving, the woman that understands me the most is leaving, feels like I lost the only honest male BFF ever in my life. I feel like I'm being abandoned! By the people that are not contractually obligated to love me back as much as I love them! I'm sure the new meds have something to do with the way I'm feeling. And the fact that I'm still in this damn walking boot until the first week of May might have a bit to do with how I'm feeling. Oh yes. And the fact that every single test I've taken for my job I have failed. Miserably!!!! I just want to scream and kick and cry. But I won't. I'll keep my damn head held high. With a quivering chin and tears streaming down my face, I will keep doing what I'm doing.

And Im done....

I've decided. I can't wait around for anyone to do what I want them to do. All I can do is live my life the way I have been, sober and alone, and hope that someday it will have all paid off. I've learned the hard way, too many damn times to count, that trying to make something happen will only force it in the other direction. I can't b pushing something away I want. I'll just have to turn and walk away. Possibly from one of the best thing to happen to me. But that's what I feel I have to do right now. I'm too old to be doing what I've been doing. I need to focus on my career and the many options I have in front of me. Don't get me wrong. I would love to go home to someone that I love and talk about my day and what pleased me and irritated me throughout the day. But I haven't found someone who wants what I want. Sad but true. I can't be hurt by my actions anymore. I don't think I can take the pain again. A person can only withstand so much. Then they crumble

not smoking......again!!!

I'm at it again...I've decided to quit smoking...again...for the 7th time! This time I have utilized one of the many resources available. I am on Chantix right now, and so far am doing pretty good. My quit date is the 12th of April, but as of this morning, I no longer have any cigarettes, so I will not be smoking anymore. When I had quit before, I was too po' to buy any. But now that I have a pretty good paying job, and have less bills to pay, it seems I have money all the time for cigarettes. That is why I decided not to do this alone. Everyone needs help at certain times in their lives, this happens to be one of the many times I need help. The longest I was cigarette free was from August 2007 to December 2011. Thats a long ass time. Especially for someone who constantly needs "something" in their life. Before I started again, my vice was coffee. I'm sure I will go back to coffee since it is stimulating and gives me a buzz much like cigarettes do. If I seem off, or odd, or madder than usual, let me know. It could be my reaction to the Chantix, or I could just be being a bitch and not realizing it. Who knows, maybe by the end of the summer I will have a new tattoo!