I have gone through a lot of changes since the last time I was on. I had started drinking and drugging again. Gone through treatment and ceased drinking and drugging again. This time though, I am facing my demons, fighting through each agonizing and treacherous memory, thought, feeling - sober.
I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would be able to face my past sober. I thought I would just go through life a drunk, pain killer induced being running from my fears. But I was slapped in the face by my past and woke up in a place I never thought I would, the ICU, detoxing from the drugs that I ingested, trying to make the pain go away. That is when I realized I needed more help than just myself, and the wine I used to numb the pain.
I've come to the realization that there are many things out of my control. The words my mom uses towards me. The way others perceive me, no matter how open and honest I am. I can only control myself, and my thoughts and actions.
Most days I don't even want to leave my apartment, or shower, or even eat when I am hungry. I can blame it on my depression. But I can also put it all on myself because my depression does not own me. I cannot let it consume every waking minute of me. Easier said than done, right? Wrong. All I have to do is go to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. Go to the bathroom and take a shower. Work on the packet that has been sitting on my floor since I brought it from my last meeting with my clinician. I physically tell myself to do these things, then do them. Easier said then done.
It's not easy being me. It's not eat knowing there is a world of people I can call, or text, or message when I am feeling down. Once I feel this way, it's hard for me to tell others what is going on with me. I don't want them to know I can't get out of bed. That I can't bring myself to eat when hungry. I don't want anyone to know how human I really am. And that thought frightens me.
