Have you ever felt like you had to be on all the time? Like no matter what is going on in life, you had to appear like everything in your mind is in order? Like nothing outside of yourself is bothering you, because you are the one everyone goes to? The one everyone tells their inner most secrets to?
I've felt that way. I feel that way almost every day of my waking life. I don't know when it happened. I don't know why it happened. But it did. And once people started to realize how beneficial I was to them, I became their sounding broad. I became their confidant that they can tell anything to. And not worry about me telling anyone else, because I don't like others spreading what I told them in confidence, to another person. So I keep my mouth shut.
I've kept my mouth shut for so long, and for so many other people, that they do not ask me what is really going on. They do not wait for me to tell my side of the story. And when I do actually get to say something, it goes unnoticed or ignored by the one person that feels they can unload their life on me.
When do I get a chance to tell you what is going on in my world? When do I get the chance to say, I am hurting so much inside, that it's overflowing into your world, but you're so consumed by your mess, that you don't see mine? Did you forget that I am only a human being, with only so much I can take, before I explode? Why don't you see that I am hurting inside? Why don't you feel my energy not being positive? I don't have the energy to be your overflow of your emotions. Most of the time I do, but now? Right now, I don't have it.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't be everyone's go to all the time. You have other people in your life that you can talk to. You tell me about them all the time. But when I finally get to say what needs to be said, you don't have time for that. You got what you needed off your chest. You get to feel better about your life. Have YOU ever stopped to think, what about Lorna? How is she really managing to hold it all together? Does my happiness mean as much to you, as yours means to me? If you don't know how to answer that, then maybe we need to talk about our friendship, and see if it really is a friendship, or just someone using someone else?
