Gibberish

I have had a crazy month so far. I've been trying to juggle my time with work, school, friends, family, and other stuff. I don't know what it is, but I'm not feeling myself anymore. I thought I was happy and could handle everything life throws at me. But I don't think I can handle it all right now. There's drama going on at work. I have a huge project due in April. And I'm trying to spend time with Lucas and my family. I can't seem to handle it all. I have to remind myself that if I was brought to it, I'll get through it. By the grace of God, the universe and my inner strenghrg, I will get through this. I have to. I can't just give up after going so far with everything I've been doing. What I really need is time alone. By myself in a room where I can just be with my thoughts and feelings. I need to get away from everyone and just be me for a while. But I can't do that where I live. I can't do that anywhere unless I find my own place or a room to rent. I've been looking, and hopefully found a room for rent. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up at the moment and I'm kinda freakin out about it. But I will not let my thoughts get the best of me like they have in the past. I have to remember I am not alone and can go to anyone for help. It's been hard talking to others about what is going on with me, but I am slowly releasing those thoughts and feelings to others and am finding out they won't judge me. They accept me for who I am and what I'm going through. I have this stigma on myself that I have to be strong and happy and not down on myself or anyone I am with. But not everyone is happy all the time. Not everyone is accepting of the situation at the moment. And I'm slowly becoming ok with that.

Mind over alcohol

You all know that I have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. I let them rule my life. I made the mistake of giving them power and relinquishing my own power to them.

During my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. After my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. I kept telling myself that I could never have another drop of alcohol again. Or I will ve back to where I started from. A drunk.

I relapsed in April of this year and took that to heart like no other. I had gotten so depressed I just wanted to take 500 pills to feel that detached feeling you get right before your body gives. But I talked to a few people and made the decision to come to Anchorage for counseling.

Making that decision sober was tbe hardest I've had to make so far. Even harder than asking my sister to take over raising my daughter. This was the first time I had dealt with this kind of pain sober. I had forced myself to dump the pain pills and not buy another permit to buy alcohol in Kotzebue.

When I got to Anchorage, I was a mess. Some of my family wad in town for school and I was able to talk to them about what I was going through. They supported me and let me feel what I needed to feel in order to get over the depression.

I have since then had a few beers and glasses of wine. I started drinking again on my birthday. But I do not allow myself to get drunk. I do not allow myself to revert back to who I was before. I have the power over alcohol and it feels pretty damn good.

I know this will shock a lot of you. But I feel it is what I should be doing. I refuse to let drugs and alcohol rule my life again.