Livin' my life in a slow hell...

I was asked recently how I was able to live my life knowing I was molested as a young girl. Being treated differently by my mom compared to my sister. Knowing that I lived with the pain I endured as a child, alone. No one knew what I had gone through. No one knew I had been molested by family. No one. Not even my sister, who knows everything about me, knew. I kept my mouth shut and my head down.

I honestly thought everything that had happened to me was my fault. My fault for not saying no. My fault for allowing a trusted adult to hurt me, like I've never been hurt before. I thought, since it was done to me, it was done to everyone. No one spoke of any wrong doing to others in my family. Not until I was much older, and deeper in my pain, was it acknowledged, by anyone other than myself, that our family wasn't as "good" as we thought. 

I learned how to "act" around my mom. Everything I did though, was in vain. The hurtful words were said. The discipline was enforced. My sister don't know how deeply I was hurt until much, much later. But she knew I needed taken care of the only way a sister knows how. She became, not only my "mom", but a "mom" to many other kids. 

I don't know how to explain how I lived after I was molested, and hurt, but I did. And survived. Having a shitty life thrust upon you is hard to deal with. But nothing is impossible or unmanageable. You just learn to listen to your surroundings, watch and see everyone that crosses your path. It's hell on the mind, being so observant, but it's amazing what your brain can handle.