words

My whole life I've felt like I wasn't ever enough. I wasn't a good enough daughter, I wasn't a good enough sister, I wasn't a good enough student, I wasn't a good enough mother.

It is very hard to get past that way of thinking. And I still find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. I have been told many times that I am a strong independent individual, and I know I am, I just haven't been feeling that way for a couple of days. I feel like I am not who I can be. That I have let myself and the ones I care about down by not sticking with what I loved to do. I loved working with youth and seeing them realize their potential as a person and knowing they are in charge of their outcome in life. I want to get back to helping the youth, I just have to find myself again and have the strength and determination to keep on going.

The past few months have been the hardest of my adult life. I am living back with my mom and sister in the house I grew up in. The house where all my hurts started. I guess this is how I'm supposed to get some sort of closure. I'm really not too sure. I know that the country is in a really hard spot right now, but I didn't see how bad Alaska was until I actually had to find a job. I know I will find a job, I'm just feeling impatient and letting my brain get to myself.

I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they take over. Lord knows that does not need to happen.

Just not Ready

Well. This will shock and sadden a bunch of people, but I cannot move to Hooper Bay right now. I am not ready for village life, and the drama that comes with it, and still am healing from my last depressed swing in May. I am sorry I can't be helping my community right now, but I think in the long run it would be better for me and more cost effective for the community. I love my hometown and do want to help you guys heal. I just don't think I am strong enough right now for that.

I keep going back and forth about on what to do, but staying in Anchorage is more appealing to me at the moment. I would have to find a place to stay, and it has to have running water. I am too city now and cannot live in a house without running water.

Someday I would love to go back and help out Hooper Bay, I just can't do it today.