The Latest

My poor neglected blog. I am sorry for not writing anything for a long time. But I was busy with my sister's kids, and trying not to get too mad and angry with the world to notice I had a blog. But I am finding more time to think about all that has been going on since I moved back to Anchorage.

I finally went and got a physical, and tried to change my medicine, but that turned out to be a huge mistake, so now I am feeling like my old self again. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for getting myself into the life style I have now. I found out that I have high cholesterol, and I am only 30. I have no one to blame but myself, and know that I can be the one to make the change for a healthier life style. I just have to remember I didn't get this way over night, so it'll take me a while to get myself healthy again.

I have been having second and third and fourth thoughts on being a substance abuse counselor. I really love helping people, but I have to help myself before I help others. I'm not going to give up on trying to help people, I'm just going to let life take its course and try not to force something that wasn't meant to be.

Life is very tricky and you never know what was meant to be until it feels right. I just need to let myself be and find what's right for me.

Comfort in where I'm at in life

I finally got to visit with a good friend today and she was very supportive of my move back to Anchorage. I told her that once I came back to Anchorage with my family I couldn't go back. She knew that once I had my sister adopt Adya, I wouldn't last very long without her.

I am at a very pivotal point in my life, and am just letting go and having my life take the course it needs to take. I will not try and force anything that isn't meant to happen.

My whole life I've tried to force things to happen when the time wasn't right for the situation, or make things happen at the wrong time. But this time I did not force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I feel so calm and relaxed right now. More so than I've ever have in my whole life. I finally feel like I am doing the right thing and not freaking out about my decisions. I've always taken life way too seriously and think everything I do is a turning point in my life. After the depression episode, I've realized that every decision I make isn't life altering, and if it is, I can get through it with the support system I have.

I can't say where I will be in a week, month, or year. But I do know that I will be me. A happy me that deserves anything I get out of life that I put onto it. You only get what you give.

7/15/11

I finally got to visit with a good friend today and she was very supportive of my move back to Anchorage. I told her that once I came back to Anchorage with my family I couldn't go back.She knew that once I had my sister adopt Adya, I wouldn't last very long without her.

I am at a very pivotal point in my life, and am just letting go and having my life take the course it needs to take. I will not try and force anything that isn't meant to happen.

My whole life I've tried to force things to happen when the time wasn't right for the situation, or make things happen at the wrong time. But this time I did not force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I feel so calm and relaxed right now. More so than I've ever have in my whole life. I finally feel like I am doing the right thing and not freaking out about my decisions. I've always taken life way too seriously and think everything I do is a turning point in my life. After the depression episode, I've realized that every decision I make isn't life altering, and if it is, I can get through it with the support system I have.

I can't say where I will be in a week, month, or year. But I do know that I will be me. A happy me that deserves anything I get out of life that I put onto it. You only get what you give.

Not gonna regret my choices

I've been asked many times when will I have another baby. But, to be honest, I do not plan on having another baby. We live in a world where it is expected for women to have babies. But I did not plan on having any babies. Mostly since I'm not very good with kids, or patient at all. Adya was a blessing to me. I will not regret having her in my life. She has been my life for the past 11 years, and even though I asked my sister to adopt her, I still live my life for her.

I read that more and more women are not planning on having any babies, and are not regretting that decision. I was talking with my sister and told her about this artical, and she said that she understands where I am coming from. She knows me better than I know myself, and she said that I am part of that group that don't want to have a baby. She knows that I've always lived like I was single, and that I am not good with kids, so she supports my decision and does not make me feel bad for not wanting to have anymore babies.

I do not plan on being single the rest of my life, but if I do, I am fine with that. I will not hold myself back from being in a relationship. I just plan on focusing on my career and if I find someone I will see what happens. 

The Hale's

After spending a much needed break with very close family, I am starting to feel like myself again. The Hale side of my family have always been very close. When something happens in the family, each person will make sure that everyone in the family knows what is going on. We will ask each other if this person knows, or if that person knows. When I get bad news, my sister's or brother will make sure they are the one's to tell me before I hear it from anyone else. They know that I take bad news to heart and will be broken if I hear the news from someone else other than them.

The Hale's have always made sure each family is taken care of, no matter how bad a dispute or argument was between each other. Four out of six if my aunties are in town for class, and we've all been staying at my mom's place the past three nights. My mom's house hasn't been this packed since I was in high school.

When they first got here, I was in the deepest part of my depression, and they saw it. I tried to hide the fact that I have a mental health illness from them, but I am tired of trying to be someone I'm not. So when they saw I was hurting, they did all they can to make me feel better and be myself again. I don't thing I would be able to come out of my depression without their love and support.

I've been told many times I am a very courageous and strong person, but I don't see myself that way. I see myself as part of a very strong knit unit, and that is where I get my strength and courage from. I would not be who I am without them, and they would not be who they are without me. You cannot live life without giving a little of who you are, and taking some of what you need from others. I have been getting a lot of my strength from my family. So the next time you think of me as a strong person, please remember I have not gotten this far without my family.

Please pray

I'm pretty sure you all know this by now, but I am stuck in a depressed rut right now. All I've wanted to do the past 2 weeks is cry. I hid it very well from everyone, but last week I couldn't keep the fake happy life I was leading. I went to a supervisor at work and told them what was going on. She suggested I take some time off to get myself out of this rut. I came to Anchorage last week with my sister and her quarter of a million kids. Sad to say I've regretted that since I walked into my childhood home. This is the place where all my troubles began. I guess it's fitting I come to the one place I feel pain and love at the same time. I will be seeing a counselor on wednesday to help sort out my thought. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

The temptation of drugs and alcohol have been very prominent in my life the past few weeks. So much so that I even had a few drinks. That temptation can be easily squashed once I get certain people and substances out of my life. One temptation I have though I'm terrified of trying to relive again. Thats the floaty feeling I had when I overdosed. Your brain becomes so detached from the rest of you and you can't feel anything. There are many days I just want to feel that feeling again.

When I start to have that craving I go surround myself with life loving people. I'm so happy to have peole I can turn to in Kotzebue and listen to me. They make sure I'm doing aliright. I want to thank my "cousins" Maija, Saima and Elsa for letting me be a part of their family and listening to me when I need to be heard. I would also like to thank Bree for being like an older sister to me and giving me advice and letting me know I am only human and I will make mistakes.

This family what I need right now most in my life. And when my sister Morg and the kids get here I won't have time to think about drugs or alcohol and other things. Life is hard but that is why we have family like I do. Sobieski don't have to face these times alone.