My Weekend with my Family

Well, last Friday I wanted to "suprise" my sister, but that plan was squashed. I did manage though to suprise Adya and my mom! I had made my travel for flight 153, which doesn't get into Anchorage until 1030ish. But I was let off of work early, so I called Alaska Airlines and had my flight changed to 152, AND got back 5000 miles! YAY ME!! Half an hour later I was on the jet all excited to "suprise" my sister. I got in and my Brother picked me up and we went to mom's house. Morg didn't seem too suprised to see me. Mostly because we have a bond so close we can't keep any secrets away from each other no matter how hard we try. That's what I tell myself anyways, so that's how it is.

Adya was in the kitchen when I walked in, and it looked like Sasafrass just woke up from a nap. The boys were riding their bikes outside and were trying to hide once they realized who was in the truck with their uncle. I did what I always do and ANNOUNCED MY ARRIVAL to the whole house by yelling at Sasafrass! Adya came running out of the kitchen and gave me the biggest hug in the world, and wouldn't let go for a long time. After that, we were chillin like we always do, and trying to decide where to go for dinner on a Friday night at 6:00 in the evening. Believe me, not an easy task for our family. We stopped by Suit 100, but since there was 11 of us, we had to make a reservation, which we do not do, or wait 45 minutes. So we checked one other place, but that place looked packed too, so we ended up having sushi. Always sushi for us. Good stuff.

After dinner we went swimming at the hotel, I forgot what the name of is, and had a blast! The girls spent most of their time in the pool while Spike and I were in the hot tub. That kid is  MONSTER! He is, I believe, 4 and his feet are almost as big as mine, and he is taller than Kumagie who I think just turned 6. Saturday was fun. We went out to lunch and during lunch I decided I wanted to get a tattoo. I was going to get a star behind my right ear, but I started looking at nautical stars and decided I get one with wings. After lunch and I think shopping I went to Rebirth Tattoo and Leslie got to adding new ink to my bod. I LOVE my new tattoo! I can't see it unless I look at pics, but EVERYONE loves it! I'm thinking of adding color, someday.

Easter was good. The Easter bunny stopped by and dropped off some pretty awesome baskets for the kids. I love watching the kids open up their baskets and showing us what they got. I love seeing their eyes light up when they find somehting they've wanted for a while, just weren't able to get though. I love their smiles that make me smile and laugh and want to just grab them and hug and squeeze them and kiss them and love them up. I love the kids period.

The Best Sister in the World!

Today is The Best Sister in the World's birthday! I love my sister. I was told yesterday that all kids have an imaginary friend growing up as part of their development. Be it a blanket, or stuffed animal, or just an imaginary friend. But I don't ever remember having an imaginary friend. I had my sister. She was born 17 months after I was born. That sounds super, duper, really close, but I was adopted and soon after I was adopted I our mom got pregger's with Morg. So, with that, my sister was my "imaginary" friend. We did everything together growing up. We were so mischief, and loud, and brash, and FUN!!! My sister is one of the fiercest, most carefree people I know. Her outlook on life is, "If it doesn't directly concern my kids, or myself, I will not worry about it." I worry about everything. Even though I try to tell myself I don't I do. My sister is very laid back and will let life roll out the way it supposed to be and not worry about the little things. Or the big things for that matter. For that reason, she is my grounding person. She can bring me down to Earth when I am floating up in space worrying about the sky falling and Earth falling apart.

My sister is the only person I truly trust to raise my baby. That is why, after 11 years, I asked my sister to take over a part of parenting I couldn't, being a stable, controlled place to be. I know that Adya needs a stable living environment, and me leaving all the time for work wasn't possible for her to have a stable living environment. Besides, they, my Brother in law and sister, took Adya on every vacation, road trip, and camping trip they could. They always included her in their lives. I did not make a major life decision concerning Adya without my sister's input on what is best for her. I know my sister will give my Babe stability and comfort I can't at the moment. Thank you for being The Best Sister in the World! Love you Morg!

Thoughts on Depression and Suicide

Depression and Suicide

I know some about depression and suicide, I have attempted 3 times in my life to commit suicide; and have suffered depression for many years. I thought I was alone in the world and had no one to talk to or understand me. I found years later that I am not alone, and neither are you. My upbringing wasn’t the best in the world, but it wasn’t the worst either. I’m not saying I am an expert, or know how everyone is feeling about these subjects, but I do know about depression and thoughts of suicide and trying to relieve the pain with drugs and alcohol.

We as a people need to know that it is not a bad thing to talk about depression and suicidal thoughts. We also need to understand that others will have these feelings, and it’s not just a phase. Or they are trying to get attention. I did not speak to anyone about my depression when I was sober, and when I was drunk no one believed me because I was so drunk. But my thoughts and feelings were true.  I just had to sober up and realize that I don’t have to face these feelings alone. Believe me, the sooner you cut down on drinking and using drugs to deal with life, the easier it will be. But I am not here to tell you what to do with yourself. I am just saying that once you learn to deal with yourself, life would get so much better for you.

Living in this modern world is a very challenging time for us. Our parents were most likely sent away for school and from what I hear it wasn’t all that great. When you got into trouble, you were punished by either getting hit with a ruler, or made to wear a dunce cap. And the way our grandparents were raised is much different.  Seeing their children treat their grandchildren that way must be heart breaking. So we as a young generation are caught between two worlds that are based on different values and ways of teaching and learning. In ourselves we feel the way of our ancestors, but the world wants us to do the exact opposite of what we feel is true and abide by their rules. That is causing conflict in us, and we have no way of showing that anger and frustration. We deal with our problems by numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol. I do not want my child to think that drugs and alcohol are the way to deal with life.

 Our parents and grandparents were told not to speak our native language. But today, we are trying to get it back, which is really hard to do seeing how everything here is written and spoken in English. So trying to find common grounds on talking about life and the ups and downs of it is just difficult. Our grandparents have a hard time with English, and our parents don’t talk about what happened to them unless they are impaired on some sort of substance. We as a new generation need to start speaking our minds and telling our children it’s OK to feel depressed, and sometimes those feelings bring on thoughts of suicide. But we do not have to act on those thoughts. The more we speak our minds and have an understanding person hearing what we have to say can really help us and open more doors into a more sober and healthy life style.

Depression is a very scary and taboo subject, but it needs to be addressed. Not just by the public faces of our leaders, but we as the people need to stop what we are doing and face the facts that we can and will get depressed. Our past has been so abused to the point where we are losing who we really are, and how our ancestors used to deal with mental health issues. But I would like to know how our grandparents and great grandparents dealt with mental health issues. And the only way to do that is to ask our elders what they remember. I love listening to the elders talk, even if it is in a language I don’t understand. The point is we just need to start the healing process.

Once the process has started, we can identify other mental health issues such as bipolar, anxiety, or some type of personality disorder to name a few. When we know what kind of issue is at hand, we will know how to diagnose and treat with either medicines, holistically, or both. It will not be easy dealing and figuring out what kinds and types of medicines will work, but it is a necessary process that needs to be taken.

Mental health issues ware out and can tear down a community, but that doesn’t always have to happen. Knowing what kinds of resources are available is a big part in the beginnings of healing. A starting point could be the health aides and nurses in the clinics, or the police department can be taught into looking for signs of mental health issues and can get the proper help someone would need to get better. That’s what I see that needs to be done in order for us to help ourselves into healing.

Many think that being diagnosed with a mental illness is a bad thing. It is not a bad thing, I just means your brain is wired differently then others. There are ways of treating mental illness, but alcohol and drugs aren't one of them. They only mask the problems, and make you think you are getting better, or don't need help. Alcohol is a depressant, even though the short term effects are laughter and having a good time. Use over time will bring down the person into a depressed state. Drugs such as marijuana only mask the depression symptoms, and will not help get anyone out of depression, no matter how much they smoke. Once you find out that you have a mental illness, you will start to see the world in a different light, and realize you are not alone.

brokenness

This past weekend was fun. Up until I broke my pinky that is! Adya came up for the night on Saturday, but had to leave on Sunday morning. We had so much fun while she was here. We watched some of the Snerts tournament, and watched a play that Allison Warden and Jack Dalton put on, Time Immemorial is what it is called, and if you get a chance to watch it, please do. It is a very good play.

I had planned on packing up more of my place, but the activities of the festival were calling my name, so I was at the hotel most of the weekend. I didn't participate, but I did help when help was needed. I had a blast though being around all the people that showed up to see what was going on at the hotel, and out on the ice where a lot of the activities took place.

The play was very good. Allison and Jack did an amazing job performing the play. I now have a different view on how our past was, and am starting to understand why we as a People are so broken. I hope more people attened the play, they will have a better understanding of our history. The end of the play really hit home with me because my cousin had committed suicide last year. And seeing how he had chosen to end his life was very heart breaking to me. I got a chance to meet both actors and got to greive a little bit more for my cousin. I don't think anyone will be fully healed from a suicide. Or a suicide attempt. I know about depression, and suicidal thoughts. There were a few times in my life that I tried to take my own life. So I understand where people are coming from when they say they are depressed, or have those thoughts. Being in the field of work that I am in, my experience is invaluable because I know what it is like to be stuck in an alcoholic fog and a drug induced "coma". I know how hard it is to openly say, "I want to quit drinking", and "I don't like this way of living anymore. But I just can't stop". The journey to sobriaty is very difficult, but manageable. I want to encourage anyone who wants to take that first step into sobriety to do so. It's not such a long fall then you might think.

My pinky on the other hand, is a pain in the ass. It is very difficult to type, and starts to throb once I type for too long. The way I broke my pinky was 5 huge guys tried to get me, so I put my mad ninja skills on them and sent them all to Anchorage on the medivac plane, and all I got was a broken pinky. How freakin awesome am I? I'd say, very freakin awesome!!!

something new

I have been asked by many to write a book. But I found the idea of sitting down and writing a book about my life too daunting. After months of consideration, I have decided to start a blog about my life and see where it goes from here.

I am currently packing up my small studio apartment and will be moving into a one bedroom apartment. You have no IDEA how happy I am to actually get a bedroom to myself again! I love my lil place, but I am tired of having loud neighbors above me, and I would really like to be able to have a room all to myself when I need it. Especially when my sister and her quarter of a million kids (not really that much, 4) are visiting. I love my sister and her kids. There are times I need to be by myself and living where I am now, I don't get that. Now when the kids get into trouble, I can send them to the bedroom instead of the bathroom!

Packing up any place isn't fun, but I've learned this past week, it's more fun with friends and family around. I don't have much motivation to finish once I start, so I have told myself getting one tote filled is getting something done. So now I have about 9 totes filled and in my car ready to be moved into my new place.

Being Yupik Eskimo, I should be able to ask for help when needed, because lets face it, our family hasn't gotten this far in life without asking for help. But for me, asking for help from anyone besides my sister is hard for me to do. I do not want to feel like a burden to anyone, so I will not ask for help out front, but if someone offers to help I will take it. So if you know you've told me to ask for help, and I say, "OK. I will." and actually don't ask for help, don't be offended. I'm just not strong enough to ask you.

I can keep writing so much more about what is going on, and why I am the way I am, but I have to finish up work, and get ready for the Kobuk 440! oh yeah, and finish packing.