Gibberish

I have had a crazy month so far. I've been trying to juggle my time with work, school, friends, family, and other stuff. I don't know what it is, but I'm not feeling myself anymore. I thought I was happy and could handle everything life throws at me. But I don't think I can handle it all right now. There's drama going on at work. I have a huge project due in April. And I'm trying to spend time with Lucas and my family. I can't seem to handle it all. I have to remind myself that if I was brought to it, I'll get through it. By the grace of God, the universe and my inner strenghrg, I will get through this. I have to. I can't just give up after going so far with everything I've been doing. What I really need is time alone. By myself in a room where I can just be with my thoughts and feelings. I need to get away from everyone and just be me for a while. But I can't do that where I live. I can't do that anywhere unless I find my own place or a room to rent. I've been looking, and hopefully found a room for rent. My thoughts and feelings are all jumbled up at the moment and I'm kinda freakin out about it. But I will not let my thoughts get the best of me like they have in the past. I have to remember I am not alone and can go to anyone for help. It's been hard talking to others about what is going on with me, but I am slowly releasing those thoughts and feelings to others and am finding out they won't judge me. They accept me for who I am and what I'm going through. I have this stigma on myself that I have to be strong and happy and not down on myself or anyone I am with. But not everyone is happy all the time. Not everyone is accepting of the situation at the moment. And I'm slowly becoming ok with that.

Mind over alcohol

You all know that I have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol. I let them rule my life. I made the mistake of giving them power and relinquishing my own power to them.

During my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. After my drinking days I was a slave to drugs and alcohol. I kept telling myself that I could never have another drop of alcohol again. Or I will ve back to where I started from. A drunk.

I relapsed in April of this year and took that to heart like no other. I had gotten so depressed I just wanted to take 500 pills to feel that detached feeling you get right before your body gives. But I talked to a few people and made the decision to come to Anchorage for counseling.

Making that decision sober was tbe hardest I've had to make so far. Even harder than asking my sister to take over raising my daughter. This was the first time I had dealt with this kind of pain sober. I had forced myself to dump the pain pills and not buy another permit to buy alcohol in Kotzebue.

When I got to Anchorage, I was a mess. Some of my family wad in town for school and I was able to talk to them about what I was going through. They supported me and let me feel what I needed to feel in order to get over the depression.

I have since then had a few beers and glasses of wine. I started drinking again on my birthday. But I do not allow myself to get drunk. I do not allow myself to revert back to who I was before. I have the power over alcohol and it feels pretty damn good.

I know this will shock a lot of you. But I feel it is what I should be doing. I refuse to let drugs and alcohol rule my life again.

Whew!

I honestly did not think I would be at where I am at in life. I have met someone who has opened my eyes to feelings I have long forgotten about. He makes me feel beautiful and like a human being again. I had planned on staying single the rest of my life, and was actually contemplating my own wedding just so I can throw one. Even if it was for myself. But Lucas has came into my life and has made me so happy I do not know what to do with myself. We had a blast on my birthday and that night I realized we were both stuborn as f***. The next day I told him I think I met my match. Other guys have not been able to keep up with me, but he proved me wrong. He can make me laugh my cheecks hurt and drive me so crazy I just want to slap him sometimes. I am grateful for who he is and who he brings out in me.

E'ff it

Let me see. I have had a pretty hard summer, and was trying not to let it get to me. But when I was in class last week, I realized that it had gotten to me, and I let it get the best of me. Well, when I realized that I said, "E'ff you asshole!!! You will not bring me down like that!" I let someone tell me that I am fucked up in the head and that I can not help others because I haven't helped myself.

Well, fuck you. I quit drinking all on my own. I get mad when others drink so freely around me, but act like it doesn't bother me. I'm sick and tired of acting like being around alcohol is ok. It's not ok. I still want to drink every day. My sister picked up some wine and tried to have a glass each night. I would take a few sips from her, but after those few sips I realized I didn't want to drink any more than that.

I have come to realize I can't treat alcohol like it's the devil and has to be totally out of my life. When I quit smoking cigarettes I didn't say I quit for over a year. I kept telling myself that I will buy a pack next pay check. If I have the mentality that I can have a drink then I won't have the stigma of being a quitter hanging over me. It's here. It's legal for me to buy it. Why not act like it's ok to be around it.

I have come a long way from where I was. I have not gotten as far as others, but I have to realize that I am younger that many of the alcohol addicts and I have them to ask for help when I need it. I can't go on living life like I don't have a problem. I need to understand I am human and will make mistakes. Thank you all for the help and support I've needed and will continue to need.

words

My whole life I've felt like I wasn't ever enough. I wasn't a good enough daughter, I wasn't a good enough sister, I wasn't a good enough student, I wasn't a good enough mother.

It is very hard to get past that way of thinking. And I still find myself reverting back to that way of thinking. I have been told many times that I am a strong independent individual, and I know I am, I just haven't been feeling that way for a couple of days. I feel like I am not who I can be. That I have let myself and the ones I care about down by not sticking with what I loved to do. I loved working with youth and seeing them realize their potential as a person and knowing they are in charge of their outcome in life. I want to get back to helping the youth, I just have to find myself again and have the strength and determination to keep on going.

The past few months have been the hardest of my adult life. I am living back with my mom and sister in the house I grew up in. The house where all my hurts started. I guess this is how I'm supposed to get some sort of closure. I'm really not too sure. I know that the country is in a really hard spot right now, but I didn't see how bad Alaska was until I actually had to find a job. I know I will find a job, I'm just feeling impatient and letting my brain get to myself.

I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they take over. Lord knows that does not need to happen.

Just not Ready

Well. This will shock and sadden a bunch of people, but I cannot move to Hooper Bay right now. I am not ready for village life, and the drama that comes with it, and still am healing from my last depressed swing in May. I am sorry I can't be helping my community right now, but I think in the long run it would be better for me and more cost effective for the community. I love my hometown and do want to help you guys heal. I just don't think I am strong enough right now for that.

I keep going back and forth about on what to do, but staying in Anchorage is more appealing to me at the moment. I would have to find a place to stay, and it has to have running water. I am too city now and cannot live in a house without running water.

Someday I would love to go back and help out Hooper Bay, I just can't do it today.

The Latest

My poor neglected blog. I am sorry for not writing anything for a long time. But I was busy with my sister's kids, and trying not to get too mad and angry with the world to notice I had a blog. But I am finding more time to think about all that has been going on since I moved back to Anchorage.

I finally went and got a physical, and tried to change my medicine, but that turned out to be a huge mistake, so now I am feeling like my old self again. I'm pretty disappointed in myself for getting myself into the life style I have now. I found out that I have high cholesterol, and I am only 30. I have no one to blame but myself, and know that I can be the one to make the change for a healthier life style. I just have to remember I didn't get this way over night, so it'll take me a while to get myself healthy again.

I have been having second and third and fourth thoughts on being a substance abuse counselor. I really love helping people, but I have to help myself before I help others. I'm not going to give up on trying to help people, I'm just going to let life take its course and try not to force something that wasn't meant to be.

Life is very tricky and you never know what was meant to be until it feels right. I just need to let myself be and find what's right for me.

Comfort in where I'm at in life

I finally got to visit with a good friend today and she was very supportive of my move back to Anchorage. I told her that once I came back to Anchorage with my family I couldn't go back. She knew that once I had my sister adopt Adya, I wouldn't last very long without her.

I am at a very pivotal point in my life, and am just letting go and having my life take the course it needs to take. I will not try and force anything that isn't meant to happen.

My whole life I've tried to force things to happen when the time wasn't right for the situation, or make things happen at the wrong time. But this time I did not force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I feel so calm and relaxed right now. More so than I've ever have in my whole life. I finally feel like I am doing the right thing and not freaking out about my decisions. I've always taken life way too seriously and think everything I do is a turning point in my life. After the depression episode, I've realized that every decision I make isn't life altering, and if it is, I can get through it with the support system I have.

I can't say where I will be in a week, month, or year. But I do know that I will be me. A happy me that deserves anything I get out of life that I put onto it. You only get what you give.

7/15/11

I finally got to visit with a good friend today and she was very supportive of my move back to Anchorage. I told her that once I came back to Anchorage with my family I couldn't go back.She knew that once I had my sister adopt Adya, I wouldn't last very long without her.

I am at a very pivotal point in my life, and am just letting go and having my life take the course it needs to take. I will not try and force anything that isn't meant to happen.

My whole life I've tried to force things to happen when the time wasn't right for the situation, or make things happen at the wrong time. But this time I did not force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I feel so calm and relaxed right now. More so than I've ever have in my whole life. I finally feel like I am doing the right thing and not freaking out about my decisions. I've always taken life way too seriously and think everything I do is a turning point in my life. After the depression episode, I've realized that every decision I make isn't life altering, and if it is, I can get through it with the support system I have.

I can't say where I will be in a week, month, or year. But I do know that I will be me. A happy me that deserves anything I get out of life that I put onto it. You only get what you give.

Not gonna regret my choices

I've been asked many times when will I have another baby. But, to be honest, I do not plan on having another baby. We live in a world where it is expected for women to have babies. But I did not plan on having any babies. Mostly since I'm not very good with kids, or patient at all. Adya was a blessing to me. I will not regret having her in my life. She has been my life for the past 11 years, and even though I asked my sister to adopt her, I still live my life for her.

I read that more and more women are not planning on having any babies, and are not regretting that decision. I was talking with my sister and told her about this artical, and she said that she understands where I am coming from. She knows me better than I know myself, and she said that I am part of that group that don't want to have a baby. She knows that I've always lived like I was single, and that I am not good with kids, so she supports my decision and does not make me feel bad for not wanting to have anymore babies.

I do not plan on being single the rest of my life, but if I do, I am fine with that. I will not hold myself back from being in a relationship. I just plan on focusing on my career and if I find someone I will see what happens. 

The Hale's

After spending a much needed break with very close family, I am starting to feel like myself again. The Hale side of my family have always been very close. When something happens in the family, each person will make sure that everyone in the family knows what is going on. We will ask each other if this person knows, or if that person knows. When I get bad news, my sister's or brother will make sure they are the one's to tell me before I hear it from anyone else. They know that I take bad news to heart and will be broken if I hear the news from someone else other than them.

The Hale's have always made sure each family is taken care of, no matter how bad a dispute or argument was between each other. Four out of six if my aunties are in town for class, and we've all been staying at my mom's place the past three nights. My mom's house hasn't been this packed since I was in high school.

When they first got here, I was in the deepest part of my depression, and they saw it. I tried to hide the fact that I have a mental health illness from them, but I am tired of trying to be someone I'm not. So when they saw I was hurting, they did all they can to make me feel better and be myself again. I don't thing I would be able to come out of my depression without their love and support.

I've been told many times I am a very courageous and strong person, but I don't see myself that way. I see myself as part of a very strong knit unit, and that is where I get my strength and courage from. I would not be who I am without them, and they would not be who they are without me. You cannot live life without giving a little of who you are, and taking some of what you need from others. I have been getting a lot of my strength from my family. So the next time you think of me as a strong person, please remember I have not gotten this far without my family.

Please pray

I'm pretty sure you all know this by now, but I am stuck in a depressed rut right now. All I've wanted to do the past 2 weeks is cry. I hid it very well from everyone, but last week I couldn't keep the fake happy life I was leading. I went to a supervisor at work and told them what was going on. She suggested I take some time off to get myself out of this rut. I came to Anchorage last week with my sister and her quarter of a million kids. Sad to say I've regretted that since I walked into my childhood home. This is the place where all my troubles began. I guess it's fitting I come to the one place I feel pain and love at the same time. I will be seeing a counselor on wednesday to help sort out my thought. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

The temptation of drugs and alcohol have been very prominent in my life the past few weeks. So much so that I even had a few drinks. That temptation can be easily squashed once I get certain people and substances out of my life. One temptation I have though I'm terrified of trying to relive again. Thats the floaty feeling I had when I overdosed. Your brain becomes so detached from the rest of you and you can't feel anything. There are many days I just want to feel that feeling again.

When I start to have that craving I go surround myself with life loving people. I'm so happy to have peole I can turn to in Kotzebue and listen to me. They make sure I'm doing aliright. I want to thank my "cousins" Maija, Saima and Elsa for letting me be a part of their family and listening to me when I need to be heard. I would also like to thank Bree for being like an older sister to me and giving me advice and letting me know I am only human and I will make mistakes.

This family what I need right now most in my life. And when my sister Morg and the kids get here I won't have time to think about drugs or alcohol and other things. Life is hard but that is why we have family like I do. Sobieski don't have to face these times alone.

Not so great stuff

I've had a crazy couple weeks. You know that I had broken my pinky weeks ago. And when you break a bone, they give you pain meds. Being an addict, I told myself that I can handle taking those meds and not get hooked. Well, turns out, I am not as strong or a super human as like to think I am. I went back to the hospital and got more meds because I was "in pain". Those meds opened up the flood gates to my addiction and the craving for alcohol took over my life, and I had to drink. Well, you know, I didn't have to, but really wanted to. So I was given some money to get a permit and booze for some friends. Turns out those friends were just a bad infulance on my life and brought me down to where I didn't ever want to be again. Drinking. Alcohol is not good for me. I don't want to come to work, or take care of myself when I am drinking. I don't talk to my family because I am ashamed of what I am doing while drinking.

I am very affraid of what my sister is going to say about all this. Maybe that is why I am writing it on my blog and not telling her in person. She is my dose of reality, and when I called her about some dude I fell for and crying over him, she just laughed at me and told me not to cry over him. Of course she used harsher words than that. But I am playing nice here and not repeating everything she said verbatum. But my laps in judgment is over. I am happy to say I do not have any chemicals in my system any longer and will not be taking anything other than ibeuprofrine or tylenol. I do not want to get back to where I was. So I will no longer be chillin with people who can't stop drinking when they know they need to.

I can't believe what I put myself through. But I am only human, and part of recovery is relaps.

Begginings....

Wow, I never thought I’d have to tell how I got into counseling. I never knew what I wanted to do in life. I just knew I liked helping others, and I am really good at multi-tasking and organization. I’ve always appreciated others who help people. I loved being admin support, and I thought I would be doing admin support the rest of my living life. But, my supervisor asked me if I wanted to become the JASAP counselor. I was really reluctant and didn’t think I had what it takes to become a counselor. But I soon found out it doesn’t take much of life experience to being a counselor. It’s the ability to reach people on their level and getting them to tell me their story.

Growing up, I had an alcoholic mom, who didn’t treat me and my sister the same. She really favored my sister and treated me like crap. But I persevered and learned to live through the pain and once I was able, I moved to my biological mom in Hooper Bay. She listened to me, and told me stories of then she was my age, and how life for her wasn’t always easy. She was addicted to Coke-A-Cola, and then it went to beer. She, like my adopted mom, started to drink alcohol. But my biological mom was able to quit drinking by herself and hearing her story made me realize I have the same strength she does. I like to tell my clients that they have the power to change their life as they want. Just like my mom and I have been able to.

Also, having an alcoholic mom, there was a lot of other abuse I went through. I will not go into any details, or say what kind of abuse, but I will say it was bad. Bad enough for a 12 year old to want to take her own life. I remember watching the anti-suicide commercials and thinking, these are really good ways to die. Maybe I’ll try it. But I never got enough strength or courage to actually go through with it. Those hard times made me so much stronger than I ever thought I would be. I can be empathetic to abused people, and know where they are coming from with thoughts of suicide. I tell them, life will get better once they are able to make decisions to live.

 I got into drinking and drug use when I was a teenager. I hid it very well in Anchorage, and Hooper Bay. Both Mom’s didn’t know I was drinking or drugging. I thought I was living the perfect life. I was “happy” and had a bunch of friends. But it turns out drinking is not all what it’s cracked up to be. I got pregnant at 18 and had my baby at 19. I did good the first year of her life, but soon after she turned one I started drinking again, that’s when I moved back to Hooper Bay. I stayed sober for those three years I was there. Moving back to Anchorage in 2004 wasn’t easy. I was living with my mom and had no job and didn’t know how to drive. But in spring 2005 I put myself through driving school and then was accepted for a Cook Inlet Housing Authority house. The rent was almost too high for me to pay, but I was able to live in it.

 After I moved into my place, I started thinking I had freedom and started drinking once again. I didn’t have Adya living with me because I couldn’t pay for food, rent, gas, ect. with her living with me. So she lived with my sister during the week, and on weekends I would get her. It was like my sister had custody of her and I had visitation. I didn’t want to admit it, but I started to drink more then I wanted. I thought I was truly happy and didn’t think I needed her to live with me to have fun. I was so wrong. I started drinking on weekdays and not getting Adya at all on weekends. That’s when I decided I needed to change my life for the better. And once again I quit drinking. And have been sober since 2008.

That brings me to Kotzebue, and how I became a counselor. My first client, I was very nervous and made my supervisor sit with me during the assessment. I was just asking the questions off the assessment, but my supervisor was able to ask the open ended questions, and I soon learned that if you show the clients that you are in the moment, and listening to what they say, they will open up more than they had wanted to. It took a few times before I was able to do the assessments by myself, and I found myself forgetting how to ask the open ended questions until I went to a Motivational Interviewing training with the rest of the ASAP/JASAP offices in the state. That training really opened my eyes and taught me to listen to the clients.

I’ve had another form of Motivational Interviewing in February 2010, but I had no idea it was MI. ASIST really teaches you to open your eyes to the world around you and hear what the client is saying. ASIST is a really important aspect of counseling and I think every region needs to learn it. Suicide is very painful and not a permanent solution to a hard situation. My Aana is always telling us grandkids to not ever do it. It hurts not just the family, but the community. She used to tell me stories of how they used to work together and learn from one another. Looking back, I see that she was counseling us and teaching us about life and how not to take advantage of anyone or anything.

As a counselor I felt like I had to always do the right thing and say the right thing. But I have to remind myself that I am just a human like anyone else, and I make mistakes. I think if I had left this field weeks ago, that would have been a mistake. I was really contemplating quitting and never looking back. But I’ve worked so hard getting the JASAP program up and running again, and really love the way I am able to help the youth of this region learn how to be responsible and make the right choice. I will take what I learn here in Kotzebue and use it in other regions of the state that don’t have substance abuse counselors. Like the YK delta. I also want to show the young people that there is more to life than just drinking and drug use.

Getting the youth into my office is a challenge, but I am willing to take the challenge head on. Youth in general do not think they need to do treatment, and feel invincible, but they also need someone to ground them, and I feel I do a good job of that. I tell them that if they want to get a job, and their future employers see they have MCA’s on their record, they won’t get hired as fast as someone who doesn’t have a record. I also mention that if they complete their treatment, and those same future employers see they were responsible enough to start and finish their treatment, they are responsible enough to hold a job.

One thing that bugs me about the whole court order treatments is the clients don’t see they have a problem, and are firm practices of, “tell me to do something, and I will do the exact opposite.” Once I get them to realize they are starting to form a problem, most of the youth are willing to do whatever it takes to right their wrongs. But the ones that don’t feel they have a problem are the hardest to reach. So I tell them a little about my life story and they see how drinking and drug use isn’t as fun as it others make it seem. And once they figure that out they find life is much easier and the courts appreciate their compliance.

I haven’t really experienced traditional healing because I grew up in Anchorage. But watching the elders deal with life’s ups and downs, I am starting to see how traditional healing is very beneficial to everybody. I once saw the traditional healer in Kotzebue, and she said I should become one. I might one day, just not now. I feel I need to become a counselor for now, and then see where life takes me from here. One day I will find where I am meant to be.

Troubled thoughts

I can't get the reason why I started this blog off my mind; my childhood. I have said before, it wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst either. Like many of you out there, I grew up in a post boarding school generation. I know that my grand parents didn't beat or be mean to my mom growing up, and for years I wondered why she treated us like that. As it turns out, she was treated like that at the boarding school. I'm sure not everyone was beaten or for that matter my mom was either, but she saw it. She watched her classmates be treated like dirt. So naturally she treated us no different. For a long time I resented my mom. I didn't even want to be alive because of some of the things she said and did to me. She don't think she knew that she was treating us the way she was treated. And that really hurt us, specifically me. My sister has come out of our childhood like nothing happened. She also has a normal brain and doesn't suffer from depression like I do. So her point of view is different than mine.

If I remember our childhood, I have to force myself to remember the good because the bad is predominate in my mind. Unless I'm with my sister, then we talk about EVERYTHING, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I remember our mom always kissing and hugging and telling Morg she loved her, and then she would turn to me and say bye Lorna. I've always known I am adopted, and when I was really young the family would ask me who my mom was, and being a shy little Yupik girl, I would just sit there and smile. I consider both my mom. I confuse everyone when I say my mom. I have to say Tina or Abatch. After my junior year of high school I got really close to my Hooper Bay mom, Abatch. For the longest time I wondered why she didn't keep me. I thought she didn't want me, and hearing the words Tina said to me, I thought Tina didn't want me either. But as it turns out, Abatch and Tina were really close, and Abatch told Tina she would give her her first daughter, which so happens to be me. I know for a lot of you out there, this makes no sense at all. But in the Yupik ways, it's totally normal for one family to adopt their niece or nephew and share the children.

I thought Tina resented me, and regretted adopting me after our dad, Danny, past away. He always told her that I was his baby, and Morgie was her baby. She says I went everywhere with our dad. They had been trying to have a baby with no luck, so they were told to adopt. Once they adopted me, she got pregger's with my sister. I have little glimpses of our dad, but not enough to create a full memory. My sister doesn't understand why our dad did what he did, but I do. That's why I feel a bond with him even after all these years. I remember sitting on the couch late at night, watching TV, looking at Morg and Tina and wondering why I was so different, but the same from them. I've always known my brain was different then theirs. Now I understand why I had those thoughts of suicide while my sister did every sport she could in high school. My brain is just wired differently.

There was a time in my life when I was really sick. I mean in the hospital hooked up to IV's and oxygen, and SPo2's to measure my oxygen levels every single month. For almost a year. Can you imagine spending your childhood in the old Native Hospital? That place was freakin scary, and I practically lived there my 5th grade year. But my life had a different purpose, and I finally was able to get my Asthma under control. Don't ask me how because I really do not remember. During those years, I was on Prednisone. All. The. Time. I got all the classic side effects; moon face, weight gain, insomnia, irritability. I did not like being on Prednisone when I was a young girl. My body had gone through "the Change" at a very early age. I blame the Prednisone. When I was 10 my brother was on leave for Christmas. In my eyes, he was the biggest, bestest, strongest big brother in the world. He used to have me sit by him, or on his lap and just hold me. Like a little sister should be. That year our uncle was staying with us. He used to stay with us before, and he stayed with us a few times after, but that particular time I noticed him watching me. I didn't think anything of it because at 10 there was no evil in the world. All grown ups were good to kids and didn't hurt us or be mean to us unless we were bad and were being punished.

That night, after everyone had either gone to sleep, or were out partying the night away, my uncle asked me to sit by him. I went and sat by him, and he put his arm around me. My brother had done the very same act hours before so I thought he was just showing me the same love my brother showed me earlier. As it turns out, he had other intentions. He put his hands on me, and being a little Yupik girl, I did not fight him. I did not tell him to stop, or that he was scaring me. We do not tell our elders what to do. They tell us what to do. That has been ingrained into our heads since the beginning of time. So I just sat there, scared, wanting to cry but couldn't. Finally after I have no idea how long, I said I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and cried. I remember going into our messy bedroom after and trying to hide thinking he won't be able to find me, but I thought I would get into trouble if he couldn't find me. So I laid on the bed. Crying. Shaking. Thinking that my little world had just shattered. He came upstairs and went to the bathroom. After that he found his way to my bed and tried to lay down. I remember him running his hands through my hair, then he said, "let's see how it feels." I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew I had to get him away from me and not let him be near me anymore. I don't know how I convinced him, but he left my room and I didn't sleep that night.

I have been terrified of older men since then. I remember at 12 holding a knife to my wrist pressing so hard it hurt, just wanting to end it all. At 12! But my sister was in the same room with me, sleeping. I knew I couldn't leave her alone in this world. So I suffered these thoughts all by myself for years. I went into counseling for a while, but quit once my mom, Tina, asked if I was done yet. So I quit going to the counselor. I drank my way through the later part of my teens, and almost drank Adya's childhood away.

Writing this part of my life has me really scared. But I know that once someone knows that they aren't the only one who had it happen to them, they will be able to tell their story. I know this is a very sad, scary story. But my life has turned around and I do not have those thoughts in my head and am on anti-depressants. I promise I will write about a more uplifting subject next time. I had to get this out of my system though.

My Weekend with my Family

Well, last Friday I wanted to "suprise" my sister, but that plan was squashed. I did manage though to suprise Adya and my mom! I had made my travel for flight 153, which doesn't get into Anchorage until 1030ish. But I was let off of work early, so I called Alaska Airlines and had my flight changed to 152, AND got back 5000 miles! YAY ME!! Half an hour later I was on the jet all excited to "suprise" my sister. I got in and my Brother picked me up and we went to mom's house. Morg didn't seem too suprised to see me. Mostly because we have a bond so close we can't keep any secrets away from each other no matter how hard we try. That's what I tell myself anyways, so that's how it is.

Adya was in the kitchen when I walked in, and it looked like Sasafrass just woke up from a nap. The boys were riding their bikes outside and were trying to hide once they realized who was in the truck with their uncle. I did what I always do and ANNOUNCED MY ARRIVAL to the whole house by yelling at Sasafrass! Adya came running out of the kitchen and gave me the biggest hug in the world, and wouldn't let go for a long time. After that, we were chillin like we always do, and trying to decide where to go for dinner on a Friday night at 6:00 in the evening. Believe me, not an easy task for our family. We stopped by Suit 100, but since there was 11 of us, we had to make a reservation, which we do not do, or wait 45 minutes. So we checked one other place, but that place looked packed too, so we ended up having sushi. Always sushi for us. Good stuff.

After dinner we went swimming at the hotel, I forgot what the name of is, and had a blast! The girls spent most of their time in the pool while Spike and I were in the hot tub. That kid is  MONSTER! He is, I believe, 4 and his feet are almost as big as mine, and he is taller than Kumagie who I think just turned 6. Saturday was fun. We went out to lunch and during lunch I decided I wanted to get a tattoo. I was going to get a star behind my right ear, but I started looking at nautical stars and decided I get one with wings. After lunch and I think shopping I went to Rebirth Tattoo and Leslie got to adding new ink to my bod. I LOVE my new tattoo! I can't see it unless I look at pics, but EVERYONE loves it! I'm thinking of adding color, someday.

Easter was good. The Easter bunny stopped by and dropped off some pretty awesome baskets for the kids. I love watching the kids open up their baskets and showing us what they got. I love seeing their eyes light up when they find somehting they've wanted for a while, just weren't able to get though. I love their smiles that make me smile and laugh and want to just grab them and hug and squeeze them and kiss them and love them up. I love the kids period.

The Best Sister in the World!

Today is The Best Sister in the World's birthday! I love my sister. I was told yesterday that all kids have an imaginary friend growing up as part of their development. Be it a blanket, or stuffed animal, or just an imaginary friend. But I don't ever remember having an imaginary friend. I had my sister. She was born 17 months after I was born. That sounds super, duper, really close, but I was adopted and soon after I was adopted I our mom got pregger's with Morg. So, with that, my sister was my "imaginary" friend. We did everything together growing up. We were so mischief, and loud, and brash, and FUN!!! My sister is one of the fiercest, most carefree people I know. Her outlook on life is, "If it doesn't directly concern my kids, or myself, I will not worry about it." I worry about everything. Even though I try to tell myself I don't I do. My sister is very laid back and will let life roll out the way it supposed to be and not worry about the little things. Or the big things for that matter. For that reason, she is my grounding person. She can bring me down to Earth when I am floating up in space worrying about the sky falling and Earth falling apart.

My sister is the only person I truly trust to raise my baby. That is why, after 11 years, I asked my sister to take over a part of parenting I couldn't, being a stable, controlled place to be. I know that Adya needs a stable living environment, and me leaving all the time for work wasn't possible for her to have a stable living environment. Besides, they, my Brother in law and sister, took Adya on every vacation, road trip, and camping trip they could. They always included her in their lives. I did not make a major life decision concerning Adya without my sister's input on what is best for her. I know my sister will give my Babe stability and comfort I can't at the moment. Thank you for being The Best Sister in the World! Love you Morg!

Thoughts on Depression and Suicide

Depression and Suicide

I know some about depression and suicide, I have attempted 3 times in my life to commit suicide; and have suffered depression for many years. I thought I was alone in the world and had no one to talk to or understand me. I found years later that I am not alone, and neither are you. My upbringing wasn’t the best in the world, but it wasn’t the worst either. I’m not saying I am an expert, or know how everyone is feeling about these subjects, but I do know about depression and thoughts of suicide and trying to relieve the pain with drugs and alcohol.

We as a people need to know that it is not a bad thing to talk about depression and suicidal thoughts. We also need to understand that others will have these feelings, and it’s not just a phase. Or they are trying to get attention. I did not speak to anyone about my depression when I was sober, and when I was drunk no one believed me because I was so drunk. But my thoughts and feelings were true.  I just had to sober up and realize that I don’t have to face these feelings alone. Believe me, the sooner you cut down on drinking and using drugs to deal with life, the easier it will be. But I am not here to tell you what to do with yourself. I am just saying that once you learn to deal with yourself, life would get so much better for you.

Living in this modern world is a very challenging time for us. Our parents were most likely sent away for school and from what I hear it wasn’t all that great. When you got into trouble, you were punished by either getting hit with a ruler, or made to wear a dunce cap. And the way our grandparents were raised is much different.  Seeing their children treat their grandchildren that way must be heart breaking. So we as a young generation are caught between two worlds that are based on different values and ways of teaching and learning. In ourselves we feel the way of our ancestors, but the world wants us to do the exact opposite of what we feel is true and abide by their rules. That is causing conflict in us, and we have no way of showing that anger and frustration. We deal with our problems by numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol. I do not want my child to think that drugs and alcohol are the way to deal with life.

 Our parents and grandparents were told not to speak our native language. But today, we are trying to get it back, which is really hard to do seeing how everything here is written and spoken in English. So trying to find common grounds on talking about life and the ups and downs of it is just difficult. Our grandparents have a hard time with English, and our parents don’t talk about what happened to them unless they are impaired on some sort of substance. We as a new generation need to start speaking our minds and telling our children it’s OK to feel depressed, and sometimes those feelings bring on thoughts of suicide. But we do not have to act on those thoughts. The more we speak our minds and have an understanding person hearing what we have to say can really help us and open more doors into a more sober and healthy life style.

Depression is a very scary and taboo subject, but it needs to be addressed. Not just by the public faces of our leaders, but we as the people need to stop what we are doing and face the facts that we can and will get depressed. Our past has been so abused to the point where we are losing who we really are, and how our ancestors used to deal with mental health issues. But I would like to know how our grandparents and great grandparents dealt with mental health issues. And the only way to do that is to ask our elders what they remember. I love listening to the elders talk, even if it is in a language I don’t understand. The point is we just need to start the healing process.

Once the process has started, we can identify other mental health issues such as bipolar, anxiety, or some type of personality disorder to name a few. When we know what kind of issue is at hand, we will know how to diagnose and treat with either medicines, holistically, or both. It will not be easy dealing and figuring out what kinds and types of medicines will work, but it is a necessary process that needs to be taken.

Mental health issues ware out and can tear down a community, but that doesn’t always have to happen. Knowing what kinds of resources are available is a big part in the beginnings of healing. A starting point could be the health aides and nurses in the clinics, or the police department can be taught into looking for signs of mental health issues and can get the proper help someone would need to get better. That’s what I see that needs to be done in order for us to help ourselves into healing.

Many think that being diagnosed with a mental illness is a bad thing. It is not a bad thing, I just means your brain is wired differently then others. There are ways of treating mental illness, but alcohol and drugs aren't one of them. They only mask the problems, and make you think you are getting better, or don't need help. Alcohol is a depressant, even though the short term effects are laughter and having a good time. Use over time will bring down the person into a depressed state. Drugs such as marijuana only mask the depression symptoms, and will not help get anyone out of depression, no matter how much they smoke. Once you find out that you have a mental illness, you will start to see the world in a different light, and realize you are not alone.

brokenness

This past weekend was fun. Up until I broke my pinky that is! Adya came up for the night on Saturday, but had to leave on Sunday morning. We had so much fun while she was here. We watched some of the Snerts tournament, and watched a play that Allison Warden and Jack Dalton put on, Time Immemorial is what it is called, and if you get a chance to watch it, please do. It is a very good play.

I had planned on packing up more of my place, but the activities of the festival were calling my name, so I was at the hotel most of the weekend. I didn't participate, but I did help when help was needed. I had a blast though being around all the people that showed up to see what was going on at the hotel, and out on the ice where a lot of the activities took place.

The play was very good. Allison and Jack did an amazing job performing the play. I now have a different view on how our past was, and am starting to understand why we as a People are so broken. I hope more people attened the play, they will have a better understanding of our history. The end of the play really hit home with me because my cousin had committed suicide last year. And seeing how he had chosen to end his life was very heart breaking to me. I got a chance to meet both actors and got to greive a little bit more for my cousin. I don't think anyone will be fully healed from a suicide. Or a suicide attempt. I know about depression, and suicidal thoughts. There were a few times in my life that I tried to take my own life. So I understand where people are coming from when they say they are depressed, or have those thoughts. Being in the field of work that I am in, my experience is invaluable because I know what it is like to be stuck in an alcoholic fog and a drug induced "coma". I know how hard it is to openly say, "I want to quit drinking", and "I don't like this way of living anymore. But I just can't stop". The journey to sobriaty is very difficult, but manageable. I want to encourage anyone who wants to take that first step into sobriety to do so. It's not such a long fall then you might think.

My pinky on the other hand, is a pain in the ass. It is very difficult to type, and starts to throb once I type for too long. The way I broke my pinky was 5 huge guys tried to get me, so I put my mad ninja skills on them and sent them all to Anchorage on the medivac plane, and all I got was a broken pinky. How freakin awesome am I? I'd say, very freakin awesome!!!

something new

I have been asked by many to write a book. But I found the idea of sitting down and writing a book about my life too daunting. After months of consideration, I have decided to start a blog about my life and see where it goes from here.

I am currently packing up my small studio apartment and will be moving into a one bedroom apartment. You have no IDEA how happy I am to actually get a bedroom to myself again! I love my lil place, but I am tired of having loud neighbors above me, and I would really like to be able to have a room all to myself when I need it. Especially when my sister and her quarter of a million kids (not really that much, 4) are visiting. I love my sister and her kids. There are times I need to be by myself and living where I am now, I don't get that. Now when the kids get into trouble, I can send them to the bedroom instead of the bathroom!

Packing up any place isn't fun, but I've learned this past week, it's more fun with friends and family around. I don't have much motivation to finish once I start, so I have told myself getting one tote filled is getting something done. So now I have about 9 totes filled and in my car ready to be moved into my new place.

Being Yupik Eskimo, I should be able to ask for help when needed, because lets face it, our family hasn't gotten this far in life without asking for help. But for me, asking for help from anyone besides my sister is hard for me to do. I do not want to feel like a burden to anyone, so I will not ask for help out front, but if someone offers to help I will take it. So if you know you've told me to ask for help, and I say, "OK. I will." and actually don't ask for help, don't be offended. I'm just not strong enough to ask you.

I can keep writing so much more about what is going on, and why I am the way I am, but I have to finish up work, and get ready for the Kobuk 440! oh yeah, and finish packing.